Beer at the MK? Dislike. Dislike very, very much. [TROLL RANT ON] Walt very explicitly and emphatically said, "No booze at MK!" What can't the jackholes running the joint honor the man's wishes forever? [TROLL RANT OFF] Make no mistake -- I like my beer. But I like tradition better. Poor Walt...there he goes, tumbling like mad in the Maytag front loader.
Any parent that tells you they don't snatch their favorite candy from their kids' Halloween stash is either lying or is allergic to chocolate. And I only put that last choice there for Jen. My kids have never tasted a Butterfinger, Twix or 100 Grand in their lives. I told them years ago those candy bars are made in China from cat urine.
Onward with the Troll Tribute to Walt Disney Parks' crowning achievement, Splash Mountain! When we last left off, we had just listened in to the boardroom discussion over building Splash Mountain, considering its theming and characters come straight from the lightning rod movie "Song of the South." But that's not the only way Splash Mountain breaks the Disney mold; Splash Mountain, in fact, breaks every paradigm ever cooked up by the Imagineers and the Disney bean counters. How? Well let's look at Disney's typical markers for designing a "good" ride: 1. The ride should be short. The shorter, the better. That way you get people on the ride, make them happy, and then dump them quickly into a gift shop. The longer people sit on rides, the less time they have to shop and eat. Shopping and eating opportunities must be maximized. 2. Thrill rides require minimal theming because the thrill is the attraction. Detailed theming should be left for the slow dark rides like Pirates and the Haunted Mansion. Space Mountain and Rock N Rollercoaster are perfect examples of minimal theming -- you don't need any theming at all...just turn the lights off. 3. New rides should be based on new movies. Kids don't appreciate the old movies anymore. Now, if you examine the facts closely, you'll find that Splash Mountain breaks every single one of these rules. First, Splash Mountain is easily one of the longest rides in all the parks -- and it's a thrill ride. Don't believe me? Well, did you know that Splash Mountain is almost 11 minutes long? By comparison, Rock N Roller Coaster is only 1 minute, 22 seconds long. Tower of Terror is two and a half minutes long. And the vaunted Haunted Mansion is only four and a half minutes long! That means Splash Mountain is more than twice as long a ride as the Haunted Mansion! Next, the rule about a thrill ride requiring minimal theming is totally smashed by Splash. Disney pulled out all the stops when they designed this ride. They spared nothing. The details are incredible. To get a good feel for how far Disney has come in ride design, compare the theming of the characters in Splash to the crappy ones in It's a Small World. They don't compare. And last, Splash Mountain was designed in the late 80s...under Eisner! And it was themed on a movie that probably 90% of the population had never even seen. I know I hadn't. When I first rode Splash in 1994, I was like, "This was a movie?" I had heard the story of B'rer Rabbit, but just as folk tales. Now I realize that many viewers of this trip report probably haven't seen "Song of the South," either, and may not even know the story of B'rer Rabbit. So I often wonder if first time riders even know what's going on. Well, you know how much I like the back stories of Disney attractions, and Splash is no exception, so for the benefit of people who just think Splash Mountain is just about a rabbit and a fat bear, let's go through the actual story. B'rer Rabbit is a fun-loving, trouble-making rascal who lives in a place called the Briar Patch, which is, literally, a briar patch -- a patch of thorny vines. One day B'rer Rabbit decides he's bored and tired of hishohum, safe existence in the Briar Patch, so he decides to head out into the wide world for some fun and adventure. Here's B'rer Rabbit now, heading out, planning never to return:
B'rer Rabbit's friends -- Mr. Blue Bird and B'rer Frog -- try to dissuade him from leaving, as they're afraid he'll get into trouble. But B'rer Rabbit pays no attention and tells them it's time for him "to be moving along." Enter our villain, B'rer Fox:
For some unknown reason, Walt Disney did not like foxes. He always depicted them as villains in his movies. We learned that earlier in this trip report when we met Mr. J. Worthington FoulFellow. This guy:
Now when it comes to Mr. Foulfellow, it's a pretty open-and-shut case -- he's an evil rapscallion, for sure. I mean, after all, he did kidnap Pinocchio and sell him into child slavery. I think that qualifies as evil. But in the case of one B'rer Fox, what crime did he commit that qualifies him as a villain? Being hungry? After all, isn't it a fox's job to eat rabbits to keep their population under control? And wasn't it God who decided this arrangement? So why does poor B'rer Fox get such a bad rap? Now, in the sake of full disclosure, I must admit that I am biased. Ever since I was a very small troll, I have always rooted for the bad guy. When I was nine-years-old, all the other kids in the neighborhood dressed up as Superman, Batman, and the Bionic Man for Halloween. Me? I was Darth Vader. Yeah, yeah -- I know. Lot's of kids do that nowadays. But not back then. Not back in 1978. I was evil when evil wasn't cool. I am a troll, after all. So I must admit straight away that B'rer Fox happens to be my favorite Disney character of all time. So with that disclosed, let's get on with the story. Anyhow, B'rer Rabbit is hopping along, being annoying, when he is spotted by B'rer Fox, who recruits the dimwitted B'rer Bear in an effort to capture B'rer Rabbit and eat him. Sounds perfectly reasonable to me. Now there's an interesting relationship between B'rer Fox and B'rer Bear in the movie that isn't really defined in the ride. In the movie, B'rer Fox is superior to B'rer Bear in wit, but even so, is still afraid of B'rer Bear. In the ride, however, B'rer Bear is depicted just as B'rer Fox's flunky, which isn't quite accurate. These plot nuances are very important. According to the movie -- and much of this is skipped in the ride -- B'rer Fox and B'rer Bear manage to catch B'rer Rabbit very early on. They tie him up and plan to roast him:
But then B'rer Rabbit tells them it's a shame that he won't be able to show them his Laughing Place if they eat him. B'rer Fox is not fooled by this, but the dimwitted B'rer Bear is. Wanting desperately to see this Laughing Place, B'rer Bear roughs up B'rer Fox and insists he let B'rer Rabbit loose. Remember, B'rer Bear is no mere flunky:
So B'rer Rabbit leads B'rer Fox and B'rer Bear to a bush and tells B'rer Bear that the Laughing Place is inside the bush. So B'rer Bear sticks his snout in the bush, only to find a beehive. He starts getting stung like mad and yells at B'rer Rabbit, "You said that was a Laughing Place! There ain't nothin' in there but bees!"
To which B'rer Rabbit says, "I didn't say it was YOUR Laughing Place, B'rer Bear...I said it was MY Laughing Place!" Now if you don't know this part of the story, the whole Laughing Place segment of the ride is just, well, weird. Like some sort of acid trip. See:
Why is everybody laughing? You don't know unless you've seen "Song of the South," which is locked up in a vault! I guess folks who've never seen the movie just dismiss this part this way: "Why is everyone laughing? And how did the bear get that bee hive stuck on his head? Who knows! I guess it's just funny." So B'rer Rabbit is on the loose again. But he will soon be recaptured by that brilliant tactician, B'rer Fox. This time he assembles a baby made out of tar:
B'rer Rabbit hops on by the tar baby and wishes him a good morning. But when the tar baby doesn't return the greeting, B'rer Rabbit decides to punch him in the face. Which is assault, isn't it? And you say B'rer Fox is the villain?!? Well now B'rer Rabbit's fist is stuck in the tar, so he punches the tar baby again. Now both fists are stuck. B'rer Rabbit proceeds to struggle to extricate himself, but the more he struggles the more stuck he gets. This part of the story is, understandably, conspicuously absent from the ride. In the ride, we see B'rer Fox has captured B'rer Rabbit, but we have no idea how. So, at last, B'rer Fox is going to have his Hasenpfeffer dinner...but then, inexplicably, he falls for one last B'rer Rabbit trick. B'rer Rabbit tells B'rer Fox he can hang him, roast him, skin him, or knock his block off...any of that is fine so long as B'rer Fox doesn't throw him the Briar Patch. Now every time I go on the ride I tell B'rer Fox not to fall for this stupid trick and to just hurry up and eat B'rer Rabbit, but for some confounded reason he never listens to me! Every time he falls for it and throws that stupid rabbit in the Briar Patch! So down we go in our log, down to the Briar Patch, where we're greeted by all the happy critters singing Zip-a-Dee-Do-Da:
We then catch up with B'rer Rabbit, who's sitting out in front of his house, singing, "Home sweet home is the lesson today."
His friend Mr. Bluebird chimes in, "The Briar Patch is where you were born, and the Briar Patch is where you're going to stay!" So the moral of the story for all of your angst-ridden teenagers riding along with you in your log is this -- never take a risk in life and NEVER leave home! OK, so now you newbies to the world of B'rerdom, I hope you better understand the story of my favorite ride. Like I said, when I first rode it back in the 90s, I had to study up on it myself. Makes perfect sense to me now. Now I've been asked by a few readers why I like this ride so much. I grade rides on four criteria: 1. Back story 2. Theming 3. Fun of the actual ride 4. Re-ridability I give each ride a score between 1 and 10. So for a control, let's grade a few Disney attractions. Let's start with the "classic" (i.e., old and taking up valuable park space) It's a Small World: Back story: There is none. Score = 0. Theming: Terrible. Many of the props look homemade. You can see pencil guidelines on others. Score = 1. Fun of the actual ride: Slow and boring. No drop, no nothing. Score = 1. Re-ridability: I would never ride that thing again even if my life depended on it. Score = 1. So Walt's beloved It's a Small World scores a whopping 3 out of a possible 40. Getting the hang of it? Let's do another. Let's score the Haunted Mansion: Back story: Excellent...10. Theming: Excellent...10. Fun of the actual ride...well not very. It's kind of thrilling when you go downhill backwards, so 4. Re-ridability: Considering the excellent theming, 7. So the Haunted Mansion gets a 31 out of 40. Not bad! Now let's do my beloved Splash Mountain: Back story: Off the charts...10. Theming: Outstanding...10. Fun of the actual ride: It's an awesome log flume! What else do I have to say?! 10! Re-ridability: Awesome theming + fun log flume = 10! So Splash Mountain gets a stunning 40 out of 40. So there you have it, Fiends. Incontrovertible proof that Splash Mountain is easily the best attraction of all Disney Parks. The only problem we had with this visit with B'rer Fox was the fact that we got splashed, er, well, SOAKED! Here's our pirated ride photo:
Notice that Mrs. Troll is duckfacing! Also notice that I appear to be very angry. Evidently I'm not very happy with B'rer Fox's decision to throw us into the Briar Patch. Furthermore, look how wet my shirt is! And now here's Mrs. Troll, very soaked:
Now no Troll Tribute to Splash Mountain would be complete without mentioning these two guys:
I LOVE these two guys! Love them! Aside from B'rer Fox, these two guys are my favorite characters in the ride. I think the ride designers were very clever and creative in adding them. They give the riders something funny and yet ominous to hold their attention as their log is being hoisted to the top of the flume. I think these two guys should be in parades, like Mr. Foulfellow is. So there you have it, folks, perhaps the longest and most annoyingly detailed Internet forum post about Splash Mountain in all time. So if I don't get my 10,000 views, at least I have that.
Okay, you talked me into registering and commenting too! ;D I have been lurking for a couple months because I don't have a camper and haven't been tent camping in quite some time, so currently I'm not even a camper. But reading all these trip reports has really got me wanting to go to FW, even if it's just in a tent. I miss Disney! It's been 3 years since we've been and I'm trying to save up so we can go in a few months. Not sure if we'll be able to stay at the Fort or not. I am enjoying your trip report of your cruise! You have a great looking family and y'all are so fun! DCL sounds like a blast! I have only been on Carnival.
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