The Troll

Sadly, this photo says it all. Fort Wilderness just isn't a campground anymore. It's a poorly designed parking lot with an annoying smattering of trees. It's just a sad reflection of modern suburban America.

Sadly, this photo says it all. Fort Wilderness just isn't a campground anymore. It's a poorly designed parking lot with an annoying smattering of trees. It's just a sad reflection of modern suburban America.

Sadly, this photo says it all. Fort Wilderness just isn't a campground anymore. It's a poorly designed parking lot with an annoying smattering of trees. It's just a sad reflection of modern suburban America.

What a great, great report! It's so great to see you back in the game, TCD. Thanks for all the time and hard effort you put into it. Your photography is somehow even better than ever.
So many things to comment on. Too many. I agree with your assessment of Disney Springs. In my mind, it's a bit of an escalator to nowhere. Lots of impractical, grossly overpriced shops like "The Art of Shaving," where you can buy a $50 disposable razor. But like you say, you can't blame Disney for trying. Every time a guest leaves property for a competing shopping destination, that's cash they're bleeding.

Disney Springs is very impressive architecture for a bunch of impractical shops and about 8,000 restaurants, all competing against each other for the same growling stomachs.
When I get some free time, I'll have to post a report on my most recent trip to the Fort, the Troll's Vacation to HellTM.
Thanks again. Already excited to read the next.

Yes, I agree, and I'm partly or largely responsible for the thread going off the rails. For that, I apologize.
You make a great point. Evidently the Fort is profitable enough for it to remain open but not so profitable (like the DVCs) that it warrants any sort of expansion. Say what I will, but there just is no arguing with success -- or profits. I'm not entirely crazy about the DVC business model, but it's clearly hugely profitable, so I'm wrong about that.
On the matter of what the Fort has become and when it no longer becomes worth it, I point to this:


Maybe I'm being a bit corny, but to me, this is what the Fort should be and was meant to be -- quaint, modest, quiet, charming. Cooking outdoors, relaxing in your camp chairs, grand views, plush forest.
The Fort used to be this but isn't anywhere close to it now. The common areas -- Meadows Trading Post, swimming pool, recreation areas, Settlement, etc. -- are still first rate and very nice, but the loops are just ugly.
But that's just me. A very good friend of Leslie's is a Disney reservationist -- ranked consistently in their top 10 reservationists -- and she tells us the Fort is almost always near capacity now.
So who the heck am I to complain? You can't argue with success.
Me? I'll just book a room at the Coronado in the future. It's quiet, quaint, charming...and they have hammocks on the beach. No diesel engines. No horse trailers. No semi trucks. No touring buses. No offroad golf carts. No leaf blowers going all day...

Thank you, Andrew. I am glad to know that, at a minimum, I am not crazy. That there are still some intelligent people left who understand what the Fort once was and who understand what the hell is wrong.
In a sense, it's hard to fault Disney for doing what it's meant to do -- make money. But! Think of the original vision of the Fort: Campground. For middle class families. Who take their kids to the parks and buy princess dresses and pirate muskets. MONEY.
But I guess that's not a thing in America anymore. Now the middle class families pile into a value resort. And the campground becomes a parking lot for retirees in their Aerosmith houses on wheels. Not that I'm against retirees...I love them and thank them for their lifelong service to our nation. But it's just a crying shame. The Fort now sucks because of it. I think they can now bulldoze the place and I really wouldn't care.
It's a ridiculous pipe dream, but I would very much love it if Disney would build a completely separate (and far away) RV resort and return the Fort back to what it was. Put a hard limit on the size of camping vehicles. Disallow any sort of gas-powered anything. Let Florida be Florida AND GROW BACK. Only one vehicle per site, parked perpendicular to the road. Three week stay limit. Want to stay longer? You must move sites. Plant some damned oaks and cypress and grass. And flowers! Theme every loop. Give people something to explore and look at. Conceal things like utility boxes and trash cans with wilderness-ish looking stuff. Yell at people who make too much damned noise or who allow their children to behave like brats. Call in the real Imagineers and have them design customized playgrounds, not buy generic ones from stock vendors. Bring back the totem poles and moose topiary. Build a frickin' water park like the one at Four Seasons. Lazy river. Fun slides. Ropes and swings and stuff. Food court with reasonably priced (for Disney) food. Hammocks on the beach. Cordon off a section of Bay Lake at Clementine and treat it so people can swim in it. Put rocking chairs all over the damned place. Actively change/refresh the theming for each month's holiday. Bring in new sh!t from time to time, like they do at the parks.
 

Well, OK, you asked for it!

Before I say anything, please, everyone, please understand I am not trying to be mean-spirited, argumentative, or ugly. And I certainly do not mean to offend anyone. I love this site and I love everyone on it. Probably the best message board I'm a member of. So if anything I write offends anyone, please accept my apologies in advance.
So now here we go.
The place has become a dump.
I fell in love with the Fort as a child. My memories of the place are of modest middle class families in modest station wagons pulling modest travel trailers or popups and nestling them onto a densely wooded site deep inside a Florida forest on the outskirts of the world's greatest theme park. The Fort was secluded, quaint, private, and quiet. That vision of the Fort is long dead.
The place now is very little more than an RV/trailer park.
We all say that we love the Fort...but seriously, what's there to love?
The never-ending rattle of the diesel engines of Aerosmith-caliber touring buses?
The pleasant aroma of diesel exhaust as you're trying to read in your hammock?
The never-ending din of leaf blowers (employed by both employees and the guests), pressure washers, power drills, gas powered golf carts, and diesel powered F-350s?
The lunarscape of what was once a beautiful, lush Florida forest but is now a burned out, brown herbicide dumping ground? I mean, seriously, all you have to do is take a walk down the nature trail from the Fort to the Lodge and take a look to the left to see what the Fort once was. Or better yet, walk toward the Four Seasons along the canal, walk past the fence, toward the golf course, and take a glance to the right. That's what the Fort once looked like: Exploding undergrowth; old, fallen trees covered by vines; wild flowers; tall Florida grasses; acres of wild Florida ferns.
Now? You're lucky if you have a tree on your site. And a palm bush. The staff at the Fort literally and deliberately use herbicides to kill all the undergrowth. The result? Horribly stark loops that you can see straight through, end to end, yielding a grand view of what now resembles more an RV storage lot than a campground. Depressing. Ugly. Tacky.
Everyone loves to go looping to see stuff. See what? Huge pickup trucks? What's there to see? Semi trucks used to pull massive fifth wheels larger than my house? Work trailers deliberately parked on a site to advertise some local's pressure washing business? At every other site -- or more -- there is now a huge pickup truck on huge tires parked parallel to the road, with the front and rear wheels off the pad.
We saw -- and I am not making this up -- many sites with three vehicles jammed onto them. Huge pickup truck on the pad and a vehicle on its left and right, parked in the leaves, on the drainage slopes.
It's a parking lot. A grotesque parking lot, dotted every now and then by the occasional pine tree, which had better behave itself, lest it get felled by the management, to be replaced by a lemon tree.
Try to "enjoy the Fort" by maybe swinging in your hammock or lounging in your reclining camp chair, and all day long you'll be serenaded by some dude trying to thread a honking 40 foot long fifth wheel onto a full hookup site that was never designed to accommodate such vehicles! Or you get to enjoy the gentle sounds of some jerk using a gas leaf blower to blow leaves off of his $40,000 pickup truck.
And now along the vein of this thread -- what is with all these people living at the Fort?! GO HOME! I cannot fathom why a world class organization like Disney would possibly have allowed people to become full-time residents, a la trailer park, of a "resort" campground. You now have these permanently parked 40 foot fifth wheels parked on site that haven't been moved in years. The sites are chock full of depressing, decaying, sun-faded junk: Half-collapsed storage tents, planters that once held flowers that have now become overwhelmed by weeds, broken down golf carts, cheap Walmart Christmas decorations still up at the end of January...It's exactly, exactly, what you'd expect to see in a trailer park. It's a disgrace. Pure mismanagement. Completely defeats the original vision of the Fort. Disney World is supposed to be an escape from the ugly real world, not a celebration of it.
I don't know...maybe I'll change my tune in six months or so and decide to go back. But right now I just can't justify the expense. I don't want to spend $80 a night (or more) to "camp" in a depressing parking lot.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Well, OK, you asked for it!

Before I say anything, please, everyone, please understand I am not trying to be mean-spirited, argumentative, or ugly. And I certainly do not mean to offend anyone. I love this site and I love everyone on it. Probably the best message board I'm a member of. So if anything I write offends anyone, please accept my apologies in advance.
So now here we go.
The place has become a dump.
I fell in love with the Fort as a child. My memories of the place are of modest middle class families in modest station wagons pulling modest travel trailers or popups and nestling them onto a densely wooded site deep inside a Florida forest on the outskirts of the world's greatest theme park. The Fort was secluded, quaint, private, and quiet. That vision of the Fort is long dead.
The place now is very little more than an RV/trailer park.
We all say that we love the Fort...but seriously, what's there to love?
The never-ending rattle of the diesel engines of Aerosmith-caliber touring buses?
The pleasant aroma of diesel exhaust as you're trying to read in your hammock?
The never-ending din of leaf blowers (employed by both employees and the guests), pressure washers, power drills, gas powered golf carts, and diesel powered F-350s?
The lunarscape of what was once a beautiful, lush Florida forest but is now a burned out, brown herbicide dumping ground? I mean, seriously, all you have to do is take a walk down the nature trail from the Fort to the Lodge and take a look to the left to see what the Fort once was. Or better yet, walk toward the Four Seasons along the canal, walk past the fence, toward the golf course, and take a glance to the right. That's what the Fort once looked like: Exploding undergrowth; old, fallen trees covered by vines; wild flowers; tall Florida grasses; acres of wild Florida ferns.
Now? You're lucky if you have a tree on your site. And a palm bush. The staff at the Fort literally and deliberately use herbicides to kill all the undergrowth. The result? Horribly stark loops that you can see straight through, end to end, yielding a grand view of what now resembles more an RV storage lot than a campground. Depressing. Ugly. Tacky.
Everyone loves to go looping to see stuff. See what? Huge pickup trucks? What's there to see? Semi trucks used to pull massive fifth wheels larger than my house? Work trailers deliberately parked on a site to advertise some local's pressure washing business? At every other site -- or more -- there is now a huge pickup truck on huge tires parked parallel to the road, with the front and rear wheels off the pad.
We saw -- and I am not making this up -- many sites with three vehicles jammed onto them. Huge pickup truck on the pad and a vehicle on its left and right, parked in the leaves, on the drainage slopes.
It's a parking lot. A grotesque parking lot, dotted every now and then by the occasional pine tree, which had better behave itself, lest it get felled by the management, to be replaced by a lemon tree.
Try to "enjoy the Fort" by maybe swinging in your hammock or lounging in your reclining camp chair, and all day long you'll be serenaded by some dude trying to thread a honking 40 foot long fifth wheel onto a full hookup site that was never designed to accommodate such vehicles! Or you get to enjoy the gentle sounds of some jerk using a gas leaf blower to blow leaves off of his $40,000 pickup truck.
And now along the vein of this thread -- what is with all these people living at the Fort?! GO HOME! I cannot fathom why a world class organization like Disney would possibly have allowed people to become full-time residents, a la trailer park, of a "resort" campground. You now have these permanently parked 40 foot fifth wheels parked on site that haven't been moved in years. The sites are chock full of depressing, decaying, sun-faded junk: Half-collapsed storage tents, planters that once held flowers that have now become overwhelmed by weeds, broken down golf carts, cheap Walmart Christmas decorations still up at the end of January...It's exactly, exactly, what you'd expect to see in a trailer park. It's a disgrace. Pure mismanagement. Completely defeats the original vision of the Fort. Disney World is supposed to be an escape from the ugly real world, not a celebration of it.
I don't know...maybe I'll change my tune in six months or so and decide to go back. But right now I just can't justify the expense. I don't want to spend $80 a night (or more) to "camp" in a depressing parking lot.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

I'm joining this party very late, but better late than never.
 
Some more things to add to the "Missing Fort Magic" list:
 
- Rocking chairs at the Trail's End
- Moose topiary
- Late night DIY pizza buffet at the Trail's End
- Full featured arcade at Trail's End
- Campground "feel" rather than trailer park "feel"
 
Seriously, that last one. Just got home from our most recent trip two weeks ago. While looping with Mrs. Troll, I got thinking, "I might as well just loop the overflow parking lot."
 
Two, three, and sometimes four vehicles parked at each site; Aerosmith-caliber touring busses; work trailers; diesel powered golf cart with monster truck tires; semi trucks to pull mondo fifth wheel trailers; covered work trailers advertising roofing, pressure washing, and landscaping businesses; rumbling Ford F350 pickup trucks; semi truck trailers converted into fifth wheels; golf carts with "La Cucaracha" horns; plastic fences to fence in 10 dogs; and tacky blowups depicting Santa Claus taking a dump.
 
Sucks.

Whoah! Stop the train! Study this photo:
 

 
Is it my imagination or did the Imagineers actually create a scene where the draw bridge is opening while a busload of children is going over it?!?

WTF?!

How did this design become a reality?! Why do all the kids on the bus look happy?! Why aren't they screaming in terror?

You know, how is this a theme park? Seriously -- let's recreate the rundown, economically depressed, blighted areas of Africa and model a theme park after them. Complete with ratty clothes hanging from a clothesline, rundown buildings, and poorly wired power lines.

And this is especially beautiful:


 
This is the kind of real world depressed crap I try to escape when I go to Disney parks.

Finally caught up!  Great report TCD, but the Davy Crockett Ranch looks so sad, neglected and kind of like something out of a B movie.  I expect to see a hoard of Zombies lined up for gruel at the breakfast shack.

TCD, thanks again for this awesome report. This knockoff mini Fort place is fascinating.
 
Now I have to do some Troll RantingTM. Please know that I am very envious that you got to go here and experience all this. If I had the bucks and the vacation time, I'd love to do it, too.
 
That said, something needs to be announced.
 
<TROLL RANT>
 
This place effing sucks. 
 
There.
 
I said it.
 
It's not even up to Universal standards, much less Disney. To prove this point, let's look at TCD's exhibit:
 

 
Look at that effing display case. Now I ask you, is there any square inch on WDW property where a display case would have empty hangers in it? The left side of the case has got nothing in it. Fail.

And TCD posted a pic of the trading post earlier. I should go find it. Outside of the trading post they had t-shirt racks set up on the porch! UNACCEPTABLE! That screams Dollar General, not Disney property!
 
Fail! 
 
You European people are FAIL! You hear me? FAIL! I always have to listen to these pseudo-intellectuals say, "Well, the way they do it in Europe is..."
 
Who gives a flying crap how they do it in Europe?!?
 
They can take their half-empty display cases, their grocery stores that require customers to bring their own grocery bags, their grocery store checkout girls who sit down at the register, their convenience store "refrigerated" glass cases set at 84 degrees to "Go Green," their "you must separate your garbage into six different recycling bins," their $12 warm Barbie doll glasses of orange juice, their $6 per gallon "petrol," their highways lacking yellow lines, their "Oh, over here you pay per person at a hotel, not per room," their "Soda refills? What's that?", their "We brought you a basket of bread with your dinner...you thought it came with the dinner like it does in the US...but no, we charged you extra, sucker," their "Oh, you want a glass of water with your meal? Hold on...I'll get you a bottle of Perrier...and then when you say, No, I want regular water, I'll pretend like I don't know what you're saying," their "What's that? You don't smoke cigarettes? Too bad. I'm smoking right next to you and blowing the smoke in your direction..."

...AND STUFF IT!
 
I bet those European people, when they come over here and see our awesome, properly done, superpower Disney World attractions, like, say, the Wilderness Lodge, I bet they get overwhelmed, get weak in the knees, and then urinate on themselves.
 
</TROLL RANT>

TCD, thanks again for this awesome report. This knockoff mini Fort place is fascinating.
 
Now I have to do some Troll RantingTM. Please know that I am very envious that you got to go here and experience all this. If I had the bucks and the vacation time, I'd love to do it, too.
 
That said, something needs to be announced.
 
<TROLL RANT>
 
This place effing sucks. 
 
There.
 
I said it.
 
It's not even up to Universal standards, much less Disney. To prove this point, let's look at TCD's exhibit:
 

 
Look at that effing display case. Now I ask you, is there any square inch on WDW property where a display case would have empty hangers in it? The left side of the case has got nothing in it. Fail.

And TCD posted a pic of the trading post earlier. I should go find it. Outside of the trading post they had t-shirt racks set up on the porch! UNACCEPTABLE! That screams Dollar General, not Disney property!
 
Fail! 
 
You European people are FAIL! You hear me? FAIL! I always have to listen to these pseudo-intellectuals say, "Well, the way they do it in Europe is..."
 
Who gives a flying crap how they do it in Europe?!?
 
They can take their half-empty display cases, their grocery stores that require customers to bring their own grocery bags, their grocery store checkout girls who sit down at the register, their convenience store "refrigerated" glass cases set at 84 degrees to "Go Green," their "you must separate your garbage into six different recycling bins," their $12 warm Barbie doll glasses of orange juice, their $6 per gallon "petrol," their highways lacking yellow lines, their "Oh, over here you pay per person at a hotel, not per room," their "Soda refills? What's that?", their "We brought you a basket of bread with your dinner...you thought it came with the dinner like it does in the US...but no, we charged you extra, sucker," their "Oh, you want a glass of water with your meal? Hold on...I'll get you a bottle of Perrier...and then when you say, No, I want regular water, I'll pretend like I don't know what you're saying," their "What's that? You don't smoke cigarettes? Too bad. I'm smoking right next to you and blowing the smoke in your direction..."

...AND STUFF IT!
 
I bet those European people, when they come over here and see our awesome, properly done, superpower Disney World attractions, like, say, the Wilderness Lodge, I bet they get overwhelmed, get weak in the knees, and then urinate on themselves.
 
</TROLL RANT>

TCD, thanks again for this awesome report. This knockoff mini Fort place is fascinating.
 
Now I have to do some Troll RantingTM. Please know that I am very envious that you got to go here and experience all this. If I had the bucks and the vacation time, I'd love to do it, too.
 
That said, something needs to be announced.
 
<TROLL RANT>
 
This place effing sucks. 
 
There.
 
I said it.
 
It's not even up to Universal standards, much less Disney. To prove this point, let's look at TCD's exhibit:
 

 
Look at that effing display case. Now I ask you, is there any square inch on WDW property where a display case would have empty hangers in it? The left side of the case has got nothing in it. Fail.

And TCD posted a pic of the trading post earlier. I should go find it. Outside of the trading post they had t-shirt racks set up on the porch! UNACCEPTABLE! That screams Dollar General, not Disney property!
 
Fail! 
 
You European people are FAIL! You hear me? FAIL! I always have to listen to these pseudo-intellectuals say, "Well, the way they do it in Europe is..."
 
Who gives a flying crap how they do it in Europe?!?
 
They can take their half-empty display cases, their grocery stores that require customers to bring their own grocery bags, their grocery store checkout girls who sit down at the register, their convenience store "refrigerated" glass cases set at 84 degrees to "Go Green," their "you must separate your garbage into six different recycling bins," their $12 warm Barbie doll glasses of orange juice, their $6 per gallon "petrol," their highways lacking yellow lines, their "Oh, over here you pay per person at a hotel, not per room," their "Soda refills? What's that?", their "We brought you a basket of bread with your dinner...you thought it came with the dinner like it does in the US...but no, we charged you extra, sucker," their "Oh, you want a glass of water with your meal? Hold on...I'll get you a bottle of Perrier...and then when you say, No, I want regular water, I'll pretend like I don't know what you're saying," their "What's that? You don't smoke cigarettes? Too bad. I'm smoking right next to you and blowing the smoke in your direction..."

...AND STUFF IT!
 
I bet those European people, when they come over here and see our awesome, properly done, superpower Disney World attractions, like, say, the Wilderness Lodge, I bet they get overwhelmed, get weak in the knees, and then urinate on themselves.
 
</TROLL RANT>

Whoah! Stop the train! Study this photo:
 

 
Is it my imagination or did the Imagineers actually create a scene where the draw bridge is opening while a busload of children is going over it?!?

WTF?!

How did this design become a reality?! Why do all the kids on the bus look happy?! Why aren't they screaming in terror?

I'm not sure how anyone could like that place. Nerds yelling. Ridiculously overpriced drinks. Ridiculously overpriced drinks that don't taste good. No where to sit. Extremely loud, obnoxious "special" effects. Drinks that take 20 minutes to arrive because it takes the bartender that long to decorate them. Tourists taking flash pictures of the junk on the walls and then getting yelled at by the nerds for taking flash pictures...
 
But, hey, to each their own, I suppose.
 
OK, now the latest item up for excoriation:
 
Ventanas Restaurant at Coronado Springs
You know...something about me...I'm not easily taken in by things. When I was at boot camp in the military, a buddy told me about these crazy experiences he had with a Ouija board. He told me that ghosts descended on his house, that cabinets started opening and slamming shut on their own, that the board started sending terrifying messages, yadda, yadda, yadda. So what did I do when I got out of boot camp? I bought a Ouija board. And you know what happened?
 
Nothing.
 
It's like Trader Sam's. Everyone was like, "Oh, you gotta go to Trader Sam's! You gotta go to Trader Sam's! You'll love it! You just can't describe it! You just have to experience it for yourself!" So I went...and you know what? It sucked. I couldn't and can't still understand the attraction. What's the big deal?
 
Massage. People looooooove massages and swear by it. It's "healing therapy," they say. Got a stiff neck? Get a massage, they say, and they'll work that kink out. Me? I go to a massage "therapist" with a stiff neck and come out with a stiff neck covered in massage oil (and a thinner wallet).
 
And so it goes with this:
 

 
This is the blackened mahi mahi at the Ventanas restaurant at Coronado Springs. OK, say what you will, but any time I go to a restaurant and they bring me my food in this fashion, I want to just get up and leave.
 
It's a fraud. A hoax. A con. A ripoff.
 
Any time a chef takes the main dish -- fish, steak, pork shank, or whatever -- and lays it on top of crap and then puts crap on top of it, it sucks. It tastes like crap. The chef is just trying to con you into thinking what he's giving you is good by this "fancy" presentation. It's all about looks and no substance.
 
I mean, think about it -- who the hell came up with this? It's like anything else -- any trend or fad is always started by one guy, if you trace it back far enough. So at some point, years ago, there was a chef in some kitchen who thought, "Heeeeey, I have an idea! Let's take all the food we would normally place around the plate and stack it into one neat pile!"
 
How does that make the food taste any better? It doesn't! It tastes worse! And then all the suckers in the world rant and rave about it because they're too afraid to admit that they don't know what they're talking about and be called unsophisticated.
 
And see that orange stuff on top? It's a carved up, raw carrot! Yes, you read that right -- a carrot. In other words, the chef was like, "Damn, this looks boring. It needs some color...let's see...what do we have here just laying around? A blue sponge? No. A lemon? No. Aha! Carrot shavings from out of the garbage!"
 
Bottom line: The food sucked. The blackened mahi mahi, despite being blackened, had zero flavor. And there was some rice crap under it. And carved up carrot peelings on top. And it was cold.
 
And the service was like this: Girl brings you your drinks...then you sit there at a blank table for 20 minutes, waiting for your salad, which, by the way, costs $12 -- for lettuce. So then you eat your $12 dollar lettuce and then wait at a blank table for 30 minutes, waiting for your crappy entree.
 
But, hey, the place looks fancy. It has creative light fixtures. That's something, right?
 
I despise these restaurants.
 
Troll Grade: F

Continuing the Troll's Book of Grades...
 
Fireworks Herding Viewing Area
WTF? Seriously, WTF? Moderators, may I please use the full eff word for this post to drive home my emphasis?
 
This is just downright bizarre. Disney has long been criticized for its resemblance of a fascist police state, what with its stanchioned queues, its militant college girls with oversized Mickey hands and flashlight wands directing foot traffic, and its constant "No flash pictures please...when the car stops, please step out to the right" broadcasts...but now evidently they've fully embraced it.
 
They have turned a casual, organic event like "Stop wherever you are in the park and direct your attention to Elsa's castle for a wonderful fireworks show" into "Guys, get in line! Get in line! How many, please? Five? OK, row 17!" They've turned it into this:
 

 
Look at those herded throngs of pod people, all mindlessly staring straight ahead! It's a fireworks mob! And it bleeds all the way down Main Street, all the way to the train station, meaning you cannot exit the normal, proper way that Walt designed because you cannot walk through the herd! The militant college girls with oversized Mickey hands will net you if you attempt!
 
This is so bizarre. Rows and rows of people herded neatly in evil lines...it really creeped me out! I had to get out of that place! Fortunately the Mickey Hand Girls reluctantly allowed us to escape, but to do so we had to exit via a very poorly "dressed up" backstage area, the area where Tinkerbell crash lands. I mean, it's really, really bad show. It's like, hey look at those rusty pipes over there! Why are we walking this way? We don't work here! This is for the employees, not guests paying to be deceived into believing that the drab real world of rusty pipes doesn't exist!
 
How is it that there hasn't been more outrage posted here on FF about this? Or perhaps there has and I missed it? (Which isn't hard to do on this site, considering there are 17,138 subforums).
 
I do not want to be herded to watch fireworks. I especially do not want to be conned into believing that a Fast Pass can be issued to watch said fireworks.
 
Troll Grade: F

Most Fiends know me. For those of you who are new, I'm Norm, the Troll.
 
I call my wife Mrs. Troll.
 
Why am I called "The Troll"? Well, you're about to find out.
 
One thing I've done a few times in trip reports is rate Disney attractions. I call it "Troll's Book of Grades." Mrs. Troll and I just returned from a one week trip to the World to celebrate our anniversary and my birthday. It afforded us a few opportunities to experience a few attractions that are new or new to us, and so now I proudly present to you the 2015 edition of Troll's Book of Grades.
 

 
Warning: Some people like to read my reviews. Many others do not. If you do not like the prospect of one or more of your favorite Disney attractions, characters, resorts, or dining locations being excoriated, turn back now.
 
We start the show with a modification to a beloved, legacy resort, the Polynesian's new lobby.
 
New Polynesian Lobby
Sucks. Some of the frequent flyer Fiends here have actually had kind things to say about this change. If you haven't heard, Disney management removed the iconic fountain -- you know, the one built in 1970 and had stood in its place for decades -- to create...a floor. Yes, you read it right -- a floor. Somehow some Fiends here sort of like it, calling the space "open." Well you know what? So is a parking lot.
 
I do have to say the new plush seating spaces are nice, though. Reminiscent of the seating areas at Wilderness Lodge.
 
But otherwise? Sucks.
 
Troll Grade: D
 
Trade Sam's
What do you get when you cross Whispering Canyon with a Rainforest Cafe? Yeah, you got it -- Trader Sam's. Wow. I can't say enough about this place. Enough bad, that is. If you're unfamiliar with this boondoggle, it's a really, really annoying, stupid bar that serves ridiculously overpriced drinks with stupid names. And the ridiculously overpriced drinks are mostly ice.
 
But that's not the worst of it. No. The worst is the "cast" of this place. They're a bunch of rejects from the set of "The Bing Bang Theory," a bunch of dorky college dudes and goober college girls that wanted to be extras on that show but were told they were too nerdy for it. Ugh. And it goes like this -- whenever an unsuspecting customer orders one of those ripoff drinks, a bunch of loud, cheesy, not-so-special effects happen and the "cast" starts doing a bunch of not funny yelling and "acting." Like if you order one such drink, all the light turns blue and the dorky waitresses hold their noses and start screaming in shrill voices, "We're diving! We're diving!" Or if you order this other drink, the lights turn red and a video of a volcano starts erupting and the dorky waitresses start screaming, "People, it's lava, people! Lava!"
 
I am not making this up. And I am not embellishing it, either.
 
And to make matters much worse, it only seats 50 people, so they've created an artificial sense of exclusivity. And people take the bait -- often waiting 2, 3, or even 5 hours to be seated! It's a shakedown. A hustle. A con. A carny's con. $22 for two effing drinks. And mine was mostly ice. And Mrs. Troll got a beer. For $22.
 
Do not go. I just described what it is perfectly and completely. You do NOT need to see it for yourself. Trust me.
 
Troll Grade: F
 
'Ohana
There's something about badness. Somehow when you take something iconic and make it bad, it becomes extra bad. For example, the movie "The Phantom Menace" all by itself is a completely awful, embarrassing movie. But then stamp the "Star Wars" logo on it and it instantly descends to "Worst Movie Ever Made" status.
 
And so it is with 'Ohana.
 
'Ohana was once the glorious, fantastic anchor restaurant in the iconic Polynesian Resort. Featuring a gamut of succulent meats cooked on spits over an open fire and served to you at your table directly from the spit, 'Ohana was a dining destination that fast became the stuff of legend and often requiring a reservation made 8 or even 12 months in advance.
 
Well, no more.
 
When I first started eating at 'Ohana, they served two different types of steak, pork, turkey, sausage, and butterflied shrimp along with a lazy susan chock full of all sorts of exotic Asian side dishes. And the meal was kicked off with fresh bread and butter and a huge bowl of fresh salad tossed in a citrus lime dressing.
 
Sounds great, doesn't it? Well too bad! Because it's gone!
 
Now they bring you a stale loaf of bread that's been sitting under a light for hours and no butter. The salad is a bunch of crap with tortilla strips with almost no dressing at all. Dry as dry can be. It was like eating lawn clippings. Then they bring you a plate of spaghetti doused in soy sauce. And the meats? Steak, chicken, and shrimp. That's it. Pork? What's that?
 
And to make matters worse, the steak was tough, dry, and cold...cold for reasons explained below. The chicken? I'm not even sure we were eating chicken. It was a rubbery, slimy, chewing nastiness that could have easily been seagull. Clearly it's "cooked" first in an oven or in a microwave and then waved over the open fire to char the exterior. Nasty.
 
The shrimp was acceptable but nothing to write home about.
 
And the service? Awful. In the "real" 'Ohana, you had a waiter or waitress who took your order and made sure things were delivered to you correctly. But then there were runners to deliver the dishes and a runner who would bring the meat on spits. Now? The waitress has to do it all herself. Which explains why the meat was cold -- because she was overwhelmed.
 
I hate to report this, but 'Ohana of legend is now a thing of the past. Gone. No more. The thing that inhabits the space that was once housed 'Ohana is not 'Ohana. I don't care what's printed on the menu. 'Ohana is dead.
 
Troll Grade: F
 
Liberty Tree Tavern
By now you might be thinking, "Damn, Troll, you're really hard to please!"
 
And you know what?

You're damned right.
 
I am hard to please, especially when I pay $49.99 per person, minus tip, for food.
 
Fortunately, though, Mrs. Troll and I did have one outstanding experience -- The Liberty Tree Tavern.
 
Damn this place is good! It's in many ways what 'Ohana used to be. Fresh bread with butter. Fresh salad swimming in dressing. Three types of meats. Fresh mashed potatoes. Homemade quality turkey dressing. Turkey gravy with lumpy goodness. All in the heart of The Magic Kingdom.
 
And our waiter Mo was, perhaps, the best waiter in all of Walt Disney World. He kicked ass. And we tipped him accordingly.
 
If you haven't discovered Liberty Tree Tavern, take my advice -- get on the phone right now, cancel your 'Ohana reservation, and change it to Liberty Tree.
 
Troll Grade: A+

Continuing the Troll's Book of Grades...
 
Fireworks Herding Viewing Area
WTF? Seriously, WTF? Moderators, may I please use the full eff word for this post to drive home my emphasis?
 
This is just downright bizarre. Disney has long been criticized for its resemblance of a fascist police state, what with its stanchioned queues, its militant college girls with oversized Mickey hands and flashlight wands directing foot traffic, and its constant "No flash pictures please...when the car stops, please step out to the right" broadcasts...but now evidently they've fully embraced it.
 
They have turned a casual, organic event like "Stop wherever you are in the park and direct your attention to Elsa's castle for a wonderful fireworks show" into "Guys, get in line! Get in line! How many, please? Five? OK, row 17!" They've turned it into this:
 

 
Look at those herded throngs of pod people, all mindlessly staring straight ahead! It's a fireworks mob! And it bleeds all the way down Main Street, all the way to the train station, meaning you cannot exit the normal, proper way that Walt designed because you cannot walk through the herd! The militant college girls with oversized Mickey hands will net you if you attempt!
 
This is so bizarre. Rows and rows of people herded neatly in evil lines...it really creeped me out! I had to get out of that place! Fortunately the Mickey Hand Girls reluctantly allowed us to escape, but to do so we had to exit via a very poorly "dressed up" backstage area, the area where Tinkerbell crash lands. I mean, it's really, really bad show. It's like, hey look at those rusty pipes over there! Why are we walking this way? We don't work here! This is for the employees, not guests paying to be deceived into believing that the drab real world of rusty pipes doesn't exist!
 
How is it that there hasn't been more outrage posted here on FF about this? Or perhaps there has and I missed it? (Which isn't hard to do on this site, considering there are 17,138 subforums).
 
I do not want to be herded to watch fireworks. I especially do not want to be conned into believing that a Fast Pass can be issued to watch said fireworks.
 
Troll Grade: F

Up arrow!
 
Oliver sucked. Bean sucks. Goober sucked. Shemp sucked. Olivia sucked. Lawrence sucked. Anna sucks.

Up arrow!
 
Oliver sucked. Bean sucks. Goober sucked. Shemp sucked. Olivia sucked. Lawrence sucked. Anna sucks.

Simply put, Bean is an opportunist.  He appeared on the scene long after the Muppets became wildly successful.  In my mind, any Muppet introduced after the original run of the Muppet Show is not a real Muppet.  It's no different than an actor who joins a tv show that's already a ratings hit.  There's no risk in that.  It just makes you a leech.  Kind of like that creepy kid Oliver who joined the Brady Bunch in their last season.  C'mon, you want to be a real star?  Get yourself on the pilot episode, you little puke.  

Can't we get the conversation back to something much more important, like how Elsa is so much better than Anna? Or how Anna kidnapped Olaf from Elsa? Or how great it would be to turn Spaceship Earth into a giant Olaf, with the geodesic sphere serving as Olaf's lower third? That would be bad ass. It could be animated and Olaf would welcome you to Epcot! They could speed up those cars in Spaceship Earth and turn it into a big sleigh ride!

These photos that Deb posted really struck a chord with me because I started going to DW and the Fort as a child regularly somewhere around 1974 or 1975. We were regular visitors of River Country, and, wow, these photos have really taken me back.
 
So I went out on a limb without Deb's permission and did some Photoshopping of the photos to sort of breathe some life back into them. I sure hope Deb doesn't mind I did this. I don't see why she would, but if she does, I'll take them down. In the meanwhile, here are the first of the set that I've enhanced, along with my commentary:
 

 
The above photo is one of my favorites. At first I couldn't decide whether I should start the set off with this or save the best for last. In the end I decided to start the discussion off with a bang, so there it is.
 
Take a good hard look.
 
Old photos have two undesirable qualities that require correction -- yellowing and blur.
 
Film stock yellows over time, no matter how well they're stored. Unless photos/slides are stored in an absolute airtight vacuum in total darkness, they will yellow.
 
Blur typically occurs when the photographer holding the camera depresses the shutter release. The photographer of these photos -- I understand it was Deb's father -- was a very good photographer and minimized this, but even so, any handheld camera is going to have blur, especially when using the old, slow films of the mid 1970s. My guess would be these are ASA 100 photos, but I could be wrong. If I am right, that's a fairly slow film speed but very common over the counter stuff for the time period.
 
So I needed to correct yellowing and blur. Fortunately the photo editing software I use has filters to do both -- a color correction filter and a sharpening filter.
 
Let's take a look at the photo above. Notice how crystal clean and blue that pool water was!
 
I remember being terrified by these slides, which I believe were named Slippery Slide Falls. Looking at it from the vantage of the photographer, it's clearly a "baby ride," but at the time, I was 8 years old, and going down these slides put me at the brink of a watery death. The freefall felt like an eternity to me then.
 
Anyway, one thing you will be struck by is how much information is preserved in these old photos. I mean, we'll be able to see some extreme details, and I'll be sure to point them out.
 
Next:
 

 
Deb's dad timed this shot impeccably! Notice he captured the shot right as the rider's butt has left the slide surface and has entered freefall!
 
Also notice the lifeguard stand. Notice that the line for the attraction wraps behind it and off into the distance! I can't comment about the "modern" RC -- the one from the 1990s and 200s -- maybe TCD can, but back in the 70s, RC was packed and lines stretched on for eternity. The lines for the body slides and the tube ride were indescribably long.
 
Also notice the very pretty young girl at the bottom of the photo with the long hair. Think about it -- if I had to guess, it put her at around 15 when the photo was snapped. That means she is very likely a grandma today! And yet with the photo enhancement, heck, this photo looks like it could have been shot yesterday.
 
OK, next:
 

 
This photo is especially powerful for me. I swear, if I sit and stare at it for a while, it's mesmerizing. I get drawn into it. I see myself there. It's funny -- remove the yellowing and the blur from old photos, and suddenly your memories don't seem that old or that long ago. If you take a few minutes and really study the photo, there's all sorts of things going on. Notice the lone orange umbrella.
 
Also notice the color of the water. That's about right. The water at RC definitely corresponded to the park's moniker: The old fashioned swimmin' hole. Definitely clean enough to swim in, but, really, not very clean. Somehow that added to the charm of the place.
 
OK, one more for this update:
 

 
Notice the murkiness of the water here. It appears this way because the water is much deeper from this camera angle.
 
And look at that line! Remember, there weren't a ton of entertainment options at the World yet, so there were few places to spread the crowd to. No Epcot, no studios, no Animal Kingdom. No Blizzard Beach, no Typhoon Lagoon, no awesome resort pools. Heck, no Grand Floridian, no Lodge, no DVCs! River Country was one of the Big Shows! You have to wonder sometimes how Disney World ever even got off the ground. The MK opened with no Space Mountain, meaning the place had ZERO thrill rides.
 
And another thought -- Coppertone hadn't introduced UVA/UVB sunscreens until 1980, and they didn't gain popular use until sometime in the mid to late 80s. So if you were stuck in this line, waiting for the inner tube ride, you were building a really good future case of skin cancer. Just a couple years ago I had to have a few lesions cut out from around my ear. Thanks, Goofy.