The Trolls Invade the Fort

[DaveInTN 3,247]

No picture of the mom?  And how exactly do you know she is 49?  Also, by spray tanning...do you mean she looked like an Oompah Loompah? 

 

I know, I have a lot of questions about her.  You painted quite the visual. 

[GaDawgFan.....Kelly 799]

We never stay for the movie because Z is usually tired. Sounds like that it a good choice.

 

What crappy parents on the slide. Good parents know you have one at the top and one that stays at the bottom to snap a picture as your kid wipes out in the water (like my husband did).

 

 

That's a 4 year old on a slide picture that even a troll can appreciate. :)

[Discamper 394]

Thank you for the info. My camera just doesn't have the same look

[Tri-Circle-D 2,059]

Sorry, but you get a B- on that last update.

 

You got points deducted for posting another photo of the Rock of Love guy.  I am very concerned about the number of photos you took of him. As far as I'm concerned, we don't need to see any more.

 

Also, as Dave noted, more points deducted for no photo of Tan Mom.

 

That said, it looks like you have an excellent chance to bring your grade up with your next post in which you have promised to debunk and Urban Legend.  I am looking forward to that.

 

TCD

[The Troll 67]

No picture of the mom?  And how exactly do you know she is 49?  Also, by spray tanning...do you mean she looked like an Oompah Loompah? 

 

I know, I have a lot of questions about her.  You painted quite the visual. 

 

No, sorry. I was in the pool and Mrs. Troll had camera duty. So blame her. And yes, she looked very much like an Oompah Loompah...

 

We never stay for the movie because Z is usually tired. Sounds like that it a good choice.

 

What crappy parents on the slide. Good parents know you have one at the top and one that stays at the bottom to snap a picture as your kid wipes out in the water (like my husband did).

 

 

That's a 4 year old on a slide picture that even a troll can appreciate. :)

 

I saw this photo in your excellent trip report! I liked so much how you sort of told the story from your son's perspective. It was a lot of fun to read!

 

Thank you for the info. My camera just doesn't have the same look

 

You're welcome! A camera makes a lot of difference.

 

Sorry, but you get a B- on that last update.

 

You got points deducted for posting another photo of the Rock of Love guy.  I am very concerned about the number of photos you took of him. As far as I'm concerned, we don't need to see any more.

 

Also, as Dave noted, more points deducted for no photo of Tan Mom.

 

That said, it looks like you have an excellent chance to bring your grade up with your next post in which you have promised to debunk and Urban Legend.  I am looking forward to that.

 

TCD

 

B-?! B-?! I feel like Ralphie after he got a C+ on his theme about the Red Rider BB gun. OK...now let's debunk that silly myth that you've spawned.

[Beckers 1,136]

B-?! B-?! I feel like Ralphie after he got a C+ on his theme about the Red Rider BB gun. OK...now let's debunk that silly myth that you've spawned.

Be sure to drink your Ovaltine.

[The Troll 67]

OK, if you've been following the trip reports here on Fort Fiends closely, you know that TDD guy has been causing a panic, a sort of mass hysteria, about "cranes over the Fort." I'm not one to buy into conspiracy theories. Like I'm not one to buy into the 9/11 conspiracy theory, the JFK conspiracy theories, the moon landing hoax theories, etc. I'm very skeptical. So I suggested to Mrs. Troll that we go investigate this nonsense about the cranes ourselves. So we did.

 

 

First, some background. There are two dog walks in the Fort. One that butts up against the 900 loop and one that butts up to the 300/1500 loops. The TDD guy claims that this "crane" is towering over the Fort over by the 300/1500 loop dog walk. So we took the pups along on our investigation.

 

 

When we arrived, we saw this happy British couple kayaking along the canal:

 

 

 

 

They were very nice people. You know, I always wonder what people from other countries think when they come to our most awesome country and visit places like Disney World. I bet they think we live in paradise.

 

 

And in a way, we do.

 

 

Zoe was enjoying the crane investigation:

 

 

 

 

See these trees and vines and stuff? You may not realize it, but there's a really nice golf course on the other side of them.

 

 

 

 

OK, now, without further ado, please inspect this photo closely:

 

 

 

 

As you can plainly see, there's no crane in the photo. No crane back there at all.

 

 

See? The TDD guy had everyone worked up about nothing. Here's further evidence:

 

 

 

If you study the photo closely, you can see the happy Brit couple rowing away from me.

 

 

OK, now, if you're sitting there saying, "Oh, Troll! You're too far away! Of course you can't see the crane from there!" let's get closer:

 

 

 

 

Still no crane.

 

 

Let's get even closer:

 

 

 

 

See?! There's the Four Seasons resort right there. No crane. Heck, that place looks like it's going to be nice! And I hear it's going to have a lazy river!

 

A lazy river!

 

 

We can just sneak in and enjoy the lazy river!

 

 

Oh, I hear you now: "OK, Troll, just how do you propose us Fort rabble sneak in to the lazy river at the ritzy Four Seasons hotel?!"

 

 

Easy! You go to TJ Maxx or Beals Outlet or one of those other clearance junk stores and buy a slightly irregular Polo swimsuit. Just make sure that Polo logo is really, really large on the swimsuit. Then buy yourself a fake Rolex, and you're all set! Just come to this dog walk, bring your towel, and just hop the fence! No one will question you. Well, no one will question you so long as you don't look like this:

 

 

 

 

And just so long as you don't have a tattoo on, you know, your face.

 

 

If you look like the "Rock of Love" guy or if you have a tattoo on your face, you probably won't be able to pull off the lazy river incursion. But everyone else should be fine.

 

So there you have it. No need to worry about evil, menacing cranes looming over the Fort. That's just a bunch of ballyhoo stirred up by the TDD guy. You know how he operates. Controversy creates cash and page views, so he's just trying to trick you to get you to read his trip reports and not mine.

 

 

Anyway, if you've been following along, you know that today was the 29th of April.

 

We're scheduled to celebrate our anniversary today at 'Ohana's at 9:40.

 

 

In preparation, we decided to enjoy a little pub crawl, of sorts. The plan was to drive our car to the Poly, hop aboard the monorail, and ride to each monorail resort to enjoy an adult beverage.

 

Unfortunately, however, I fell victim to another one of that TDD guy's tricks.

 

 

In one of his recent reports, he claimed that he was able to get to the roof of the Contemporary by riding the elevator to the highest floor it reaches and then climbing the stairs in the stairwell to the roof. Well, as a child, going to the roof of the Contemporary was always one of the must-do things for my family. We'd go to the roof of the Contemporary at least once every trip. So when TDD said he was able to get there, I was thrilled by the prospect. After all, if TDD could do it, so could I, right?

 

 

So we added the roof of the Contemporary to our anniversary celebration plan. Drive to the Poly, ride the monorail to the Contemporary, go enjoy a sunset from the roof of the Contemporary, then do our pub crawl until it was time for our dinner reservation. Easy enough, right?

 

 

So we headed back to camp to shower and change clothes for dinner. On our way back, I snapped a few photos:

 

 

 

 

Check out this odd homemade sign some guest left behind when they checked out:

 

 

 

 

Oh, and look at this:

 

 

 

 

Man Card, please.

 

 

So...we got back to camp, fed the pups, showered and changed. Then we hopped in our SUV and parked at the Poly, according to plan. We rode the monorail to the Contemporary, according to plan. Then we took the elevator as high as it would go, according to plan. I was so excited to be going to that rooftop! So from the highest floor, we went through the exit door into the stairwell. There we were, in the stairwell, as I heard the door slowly close behind us...

 

 

...and go click.

 

 

We were locked out of the building, stuck in the stairwell. No matter. Let's starting climbing up, I suggested.

 

 

Mrs. Troll was not at all happy about being locked out of the building, however. "Troll!" she shouted at me. "Now how are we going to get back inside?!"

 

 

"Don't worry!" I said. But I was worried.

 

 

Without any other option, we started climbing up toward the rooftop. That's when I saw this:

 

 

 

To be continued...

[BradyBzLyn...Mo 2,023]

Ooh... a cliff hanger!  (hopefully not literally)

 

And I need to find the mental floss - 49 year old oompa loompa in a string bikini is giving me ajeda.

[DaveInTN 3,247]

Who is TDD?  Tri-Dunkle-D?

 

Most excellent report, Mr. Troll!  Can't wait to see if you make it to the roof....and subsequently make it back to the lobby. 

[GaDawgFan.....Kelly 799]

A few things...

 

Why are you DRIVING to the Poly? You are going on a pub crawl. If you are legit, neither of you should be able to drive back. (see my comments about leaving my lobster and anniversary cake on the monorail). THAT'S how you roll on a drunk-a-versary.

 

If you have to walk all the way down, I feel a TCD rant coming on....

[The Troll 67]

Foiled again by the TDD guy!

 

"NO ROOF ACCESS"!

 

So how, exactly, did he claim to get up there?! He tricked me!

 

Anyway, I suggested we continue climbing up. Maybe this sign was wrong. Maybe there was roof access after all and this sign was just old. So we kept climbing.

 

That's when we ran into this:

 

 

A door.

 

Blocking us from ascending any further.

 

Blast!

 

Now what?

 

At least I was able to get some nice photos from this position in the open stairwell:

 

 

Look down there at all those clean linens:

 

 

And look at those cool monorail rails:

 

 

Engineering is an amazing thing.

 

Hey, look over there! They're building a new resort:

 

 

Huh. I was a bit turned around. I wonder where that resort is? I guess maybe it's way over by Epcot. Cool...a new resort by Epcot! Let's zoom in:

 

 

Look at that! Wow! That's a really tall new resort! It's so tall I can't see the Spaceship Earth geodesic dome past it! And look at all those cranes! Sure am glad that's not by the Fort.

 

Anyway, so we had no choice. We had to climb down to the first floor. And Mrs. Troll was not happy with me, because she was hot. Literally.

 

On the way down, I noticed that the Contemporary was constructed by pouring concrete. You know that plywood that has the football shapes on it? You know, like this:

 

 

Well, evidently, the forms the architects and engineers used to pour the concrete to build the Contemporary were made out of that plywood:

 

 

Somehow this really, really destroys my illusions of this place.

 

I mean, my vision of the future didn't include that plywood with the footballs on it as building materials. In my vision of the future, everything is made out of shiny, smooth metal, plastic, and glass. Not concrete and crappy pressboard.

 

Anyway, oddly, there are entrances to what should be controlled areas all along this stairwell. Here's Mrs. Troll sneaking in to one of those backstage doors:

 

 

It led straight into the kitchen where Chef Mickey whips up his fabulous meals for the children who get in my way all the time:

 

 

Another floor down, a not-so-secret door led to this:

 

 

What the hello is that?

 

Let's take a closer look:

 

 

What in the World created by Disney is a General Electric Motor Control Center?

 

And what is this:

 

 

And why in blazes would they leave this exposed to nosy curious investigative reporters like TDD and me?

 

Anyway, we finally found our way back into the building:

 

 

Phew! I was really in the doghouse there for a few moments.

 

But where the hell were we?!

 

 

I had never seen this side of the Contemporary before.

 

Check this out:

 

 

Look at that Chaise lounge! It's a bed!

 

Man, we're really lost:

 

 

Still to come...do we find our way out? Do we have our drinks? Do we gorge ourselves on seared meat on a spit? Tune in to the Troll Trip Report and find out!

[BradyBzLyn...Mo 2,023]

[Beckers 1,136]

Mmmmm popcorn

[Beckers 1,136]

Mmmmm popcorn

[alexwyattmommy 181]

I'm thinking you owed Mrs. Troll a much better time than you had given her so far.

[Tri-Circle-D 2,059]

Wow, Troll, the wheels really fell off the Troll bus on your anniversary night!

 

First, congratulations on exposing the prank I've been playing on all the readers of ff.net by telling everyone about the cranes looming over the Fort.  You have shown that I made it all up.  There are no cranes.  No Abomination.  Now really, did anyone believe that Disney would really sell a prime parcel of real estate to an outside company and let them build a massive resort which totally changes the skyline of Disney World with a big ugly hotel tower?  Didn't Walt go to great lengths to buy up all of the property surrounding Disney World specifically to insure that this type of intrusion, which destroys the theme and aesthetics of the project, would never happen?   I mean Walt himself picked the location of Fort Wilderness on the shore of Bay Lake, and made sure that Disney World would be developed in a way to maintain the illusion that campers there are far, far away from the outside world.  No way the current geniuses in charge would violate Walt's vision like that.  Preposterous.  I can't believe that the great Troll fell for it to the extent that you had to go and look for yourself.

 

That Minnie cart is around the Fort a lot.

 

I am really sorry about your being locked out in the Contemporary stairwell.  OK, I'm not really sorry- that is hilarious!  I do feel sorry for Leslie though.  The things that poor lady must endure. I am sorry that I did not draw you a step by step guide with my purple crayon.  I would think a smart guy like you would think about checking to make sure you could get back in the door you came out of.  For future reference, you can stick a ball point pen or folded up piece of paper in the door to prevent it from closing all the way behind you.  I have never used that southwest stairwell, so I didn't know there was a door blocking roof access there.  I was just on the Contemporary roof earlier this year, and ascended via the south east stairwell with no problem at all (and I had a pen to prop the door open).  STBY.

 

I also don't get why you drove to the Poly.  You kind of effed up the whole night, didn't you?

 

But, you did find the GE Motor Control Center.  So props for that.  You should have flipped the switch on it to see what happens.

 

I am hoping, for Mrs. Troll's sake, that the rest of your evening went better than the beginning.

 

TCD

[DaveInTN 3,247]

My sources tell me that, when the CR was constructed, US Steel engineers insisted on the inclusion of a GE Motor Control Center to operate the "dresser drawer" mechanisms.  Remember that each room in the hotel was constructed offsite, trucked to the CR site, and slid into place.  Engineers wanted an easy mechanism to be used when it was time for renovation.  The GEMCC, when deployed, will pop every room out of the hotel like a drawer, where cranes can then move them back onto trucks for the journey down Vista Blvd to the US Steel facility.  Unfortunately, upon testing on one room prior to the hotel's opening, the mechanism failed and the room was flung into Bay Lake and destroyed.  On that day, the room housing the GEMCC was padlocked and over the years was forgotten.  It's a good thing you didn't push any buttons, Troll.   

[Tri-Circle-D 2,059]

My sources tell me that, when the CR was constructed, US Steel engineers insisted on the inclusion of a GE Motor Control Center to operate the "dresser drawer" mechanisms.  Remember that each room in the hotel was constructed offsite, trucked to the CR site, and slid into place.  Engineers wanted an easy mechanism to be used when it was time for renovation.  The GEMCC, when deployed, will pop every room out of the hotel like a drawer, where cranes can then move them back onto trucks for the journey down Vista Blvd to the US Steel facility.  Unfortunately, upon testing on one room prior to the hotel's opening, the mechanism failed and the room was flung into Bay Lake and destroyed.  On that day, the room housing the GEMCC was padlocked and over the years was forgotten.  It's a good thing you didn't push any buttons, Troll.   

 

 

I hope that there's a GEMCC at the Four Seasons.

 

TCD

[Discamper 394]

you are right TCD. Walt said the first thing that you would see when you pull in to Walt Disney World is Cinderella's castle it's supposed to be the highest part of all of Walt Disney World

[AC in A2......Aaron 693]

Caught up.

 

It is a good thing you cleared up the Monstrosity debate.

 

For awhile I could have sworn I saw it in person while at the Fort in February

 

Just like when Bobby Ewing dreamed a whole season worth of Dallas episodes.

 

Exactly like that.

[The Troll 67]

I'm thinking you owed Mrs. Troll a much better time than you had given her so far.

 

I didn't know the door was going to close and lock itself behind us. And I also didn't know that the TDD guy deliberately tricked me into going up that stairwell that's blocked off. I planned to take Mrs. Troll to the top of the Contemporary and admire a romantic sunset!

 

Wow, Troll, the wheels really fell off the Troll bus on your anniversary night!

 

First, congratulations on exposing the prank I've been playing on all the readers of ff.net by telling everyone about the cranes looming over the Fort.  You have shown that I made it all up.  There are no cranes.  No Abomination.  Now really, did anyone believe that Disney would really sell a prime parcel of real estate to an outside company and let them build a massive resort which totally changes the skyline of Disney World with a big ugly hotel tower?  Didn't Walt go to great lengths to buy up all of the property surrounding Disney World specifically to insure that this type of intrusion, which destroys the theme and aesthetics of the project, would never happen?   I mean Walt himself picked the location of Fort Wilderness on the shore of Bay Lake, and made sure that Disney World would be developed in a way to maintain the illusion that campers there are far, far away from the outside world.  No way the current geniuses in charge would violate Walt's vision like that.  Preposterous.  I can't believe that the great Troll fell for it to the extent that you had to go and look for yourself.

 

That Minnie cart is around the Fort a lot.

 

I am really sorry about your being locked out in the Contemporary stairwell.  OK, I'm not really sorry- that is hilarious!  I do feel sorry for Leslie though.  The things that poor lady must endure. I am sorry that I did not draw you a step by step guide with my purple crayon.  I would think a smart guy like you would think about checking to make sure you could get back in the door you came out of.  For future reference, you can stick a ball point pen or folded up piece of paper in the door to prevent it from closing all the way behind you.  I have never used that southwest stairwell, so I didn't know there was a door blocking roof access there.  I was just on the Contemporary roof earlier this year, and ascended via the south east stairwell with no problem at all (and I had a pen to prop the door open).  STBY.

 

I also don't get why you drove to the Poly.  You kind of effed up the whole night, didn't you?

 

But, you did find the GE Motor Control Center.  So props for that.  You should have flipped the switch on it to see what happens.

 

I am hoping, for Mrs. Troll's sake, that the rest of your evening went better than the beginning.

 

TCD

 

I was really, really tempted to flip one of those switches. That GE Motor Control thing was cool...old and mysterious. Kind of like something off the old "Lost" TV show.

 

My sources tell me that, when the CR was constructed, US Steel engineers insisted on the inclusion of a GE Motor Control Center to operate the "dresser drawer" mechanisms.  Remember that each room in the hotel was constructed offsite, trucked to the CR site, and slid into place.  Engineers wanted an easy mechanism to be used when it was time for renovation.  The GEMCC, when deployed, will pop every room out of the hotel like a drawer, where cranes can then move them back onto trucks for the journey down Vista Blvd to the US Steel facility.  Unfortunately, upon testing on one room prior to the hotel's opening, the mechanism failed and the room was flung into Bay Lake and destroyed.  On that day, the room housing the GEMCC was padlocked and over the years was forgotten.  It's a good thing you didn't push any buttons, Troll.   

 

I so wanted to.

 

you are right TCD. Walt said the first thing that you would see when you pull in to Walt Disney World is Cinderella's castle it's supposed to be the highest part of all of Walt Disney World

 

Yeah, well, just wait. There's a big, big Troll Rant coming up about two ugly, ugly monstrosities, and they have nothing to do with the Four Seasons.

 

Caught up.

 

It is a good thing you cleared up the Monstrosity debate.

 

For awhile I could have sworn I saw it in person while at the Fort in February

 

Just like when Bobby Ewing dreamed a whole season worth of Dallas episodes.

 

Exactly like that.

 

Yep! Photos don't lie. I have the evidence. Good thing I'm around. Otherwise, poor, unsuspecting Fort Fiends who only get to visit the Fort one or twice a decade because they live up in some awful place like, say, Buffalo, would be totally convinced that there are towering cranes and an ugly hotel looming over the Fort. You know, a couple guys a few years ago cooked up this "Alien Autopsy" hoax where they claimed they had filmed the autopsy of the corpse of an alien that had crashed at Roswell. I bet the TDD guy was one of those guys who cooked up that hoax.

[The Troll 67]

Who is TDD?  Tri-Dunkle-D?

 

Most excellent report, Mr. Troll!  Can't wait to see if you make it to the roof....and subsequently make it back to the lobby. 

 

TDD = Troll-Deceiving Demon

 

Ooh... a cliff hanger!  (hopefully not literally)

 

And I need to find the mental floss - 49 year old oompa loompa in a string bikini is giving me ajeda.

 

Yeah, well, I had to see it in person. Try that on for size. The image is burned into my retina.

 

A few things...

 

Why are you DRIVING to the Poly? You are going on a pub crawl. If you are legit, neither of you should be able to drive back. (see my comments about leaving my lobster and anniversary cake on the monorail). THAT'S how you roll on a drunk-a-versary.

 

 

It was Mrs. Troll's insistence that we DRIVE to the Poly. It was going to rain, you see. And Mrs. Troll doesn't like when her hairsprayed hair gets wet. Sticky. So, yes, the pub crawl was pretty tame, as you'll soon see.

[The Troll 67]

Let's continue on in our journey.

 

When we last left off, Mrs. Troll and I were lost in the Contemporary. We were able to get back inside after being locked out in the stairwell, but now we were somewhere in the hotel I didn't even know existed. It's really nice. Check out the men's room:

 

 

Don't you love Troll photography?

 

After wandering around aimlessly, we finally found a sign that led us back up to the monorail area. Once there, we knew where we were. So we hit the Outer Rim lounge:

 

 

Back in the day, this used to be a much nicer lounge. Now it's much smaller and sort of tucked into a corner. But at least there's still a view.

 

The reason why the nice lounge was relegated to a corner was because of that Chef Mickey atrocity:

 

 

I should do this where I live. I can open up a restaurant, serve mac & cheese and chicken fingers, and hire high school kids to act silly in minor league baseball mascot costumes, and I can charge $60 a person! I'll make a mint!

 

Well, that's all for now. Sorry this post is so short. This website is really having trouble. After spending almost 2 hours writing this update, more than 2/3 of it got lost due to SQL errors. Needless to say, I'm a bit of frustrated right now and don't feel like typing it all back in right now.

[DaveInTN 3,247]

Chef Mickey's food ranges from full-on SMB to a Lou.  But the look on my kids' faces when Mickey comes to the table is DW.  Even so, I can't see forking over that money very often. 

 

Glad you started to redeem the anniversary with alcohol at the Outer Rim. 

[michele j 9]

Mrs,Troll deserves a drink after that fiasco :)