The Trolls Invade the Fort

[The Troll 67]

Forward!

 

So we were at the ESPN sports bar on the Boardwalk. This is another one of those places that is never seen by the guy in the tube socks and sandals and baby harness. But then, can you blame him on that one? It's a sports bar...no different than any sports bar in any major city in America. No big loss missing this for a glimpse at Shamu.

 

While we were enjoying our drinks, we got hungry. So we had BBQ nachos. They had BBQ nachos on the menu. They were good. Mrs. Troll and I put a hurting on those BBQ nachos.

 

Sitting with us at the bar was a fifty-ish couple. They were both plastered. The wife was in "drunk/happy/loud" mode while the husband was in "drank too much/quiet/smile frozen on face/should be asleep" mode. The wife was in that mode where any conversation -- any conversation -- is good conversation. It's that mode where if you're drunk, too, that's fun but if you're sober you're like, "What's this lady talking about? Why does she keep repeating that she's from Milwaukee?"

 

But they were nice people. Interesting trivia was that she announced that they had been in the bar for over eight hours.

 

It was 6PM. Do the math.

 

Unfortunately, the rain continued its dreariness. So after ESPN, we headed back to camp.

 

The next day, the sun finally came out and started drying things out. I decided to move things into the sun to help the process along.

 

 

Zoe found a dry spot:

 

 

 

Finally there was enough sun to take a good picture of my black dog Elma:

 

[The Troll 67]

I hung out the welcome mat to dry:

 

 

I was very displeased with the site marker photo I took when we first arrived, so I took another. This one is much more artistic:

 

 

When I was setting up the shot above, Zoe decided to pay the photo site a visit:

 

 

Yes, she's peeing on it.

 

It was time to loop. We had to desperately take advantage of the blue skies before the clouds started dumping on us again. This time I asked Mrs. Troll to drive so I could handle the photography duties. In another report, I did this thing where I took a bunch of random pictures while riding BTMRR and they came out OK, so I decided to try the same thing while looping.

 

 

Notice in this one the castmember is readying the site for the next fiends:

 

 

Also notice he is wearing a proper cowboy hat, not one rolled up on the sides.

 

The castmembers around the Fort all used to wear cowboy hats back in the day. I wish they would get back to that.

 

Water:

 

 

 

 

You can see right through:

 

 

 

 

This site has some shrubs:

 

 

Lots of standing water:

 

 

Check out this old, um, RV thing:

 

 

My brother has one just like it. It's very embarrassing. Here's a closer look:

 

 

This is interesting:

 

 

Sort of.

 

So is this:

 

 

Here's where the random looping pictures start:

 

 

I like the way this walking path curves into the woods:

 

 

Blurry pine tree:

 

 

You can see I'm hanging the camera out the passenger's side of the cart:

 

 

The dogs love looping. I mean, LOVE it:

 

 

OK, still much more looping pictures to come! Stay tuned!

[alexwyattmommy 181]

The looping photos are fun.

The video, not so much.  At about 3:55 into it, I had to pee.  I think I made the same face as Zoe.  Thanks.  Not going to back to the video.

 

Looking forward to more, looping photos, not pee photos.

[Santa ... Shannon 160]

Obviously, I'm way behind and just reading this now, but I simply must take you to task on this:

If this is you, Man Card.

 

Now!

 

You should be ashamed of yourself.

 

You desperately need a huge dose of poker in a basement with one of those paintings of those dogs playing poker hanging on the wall. You desperately need 24 straight hours of football on New Years Day. You desperately need a keg full of beer that does not have the words "lite" or "ultra" in its name. You desperately need a huge plate of greasy potato skins doused in sour cream and chives. You desperately need a set of hedge clippers to go out and shape a bush into a square or a sphere.

Seriously? This from the guy who was giddy over being served a fruit-yogurt salad a few pages ago? Man card, indeed!

[Santa ... Shannon 160]

And, while I'm giving you grief, you DROVE to start your pub-crawl date and then you take the BUS to DTD!? That's sheer insanity... Rain and hairspray be damned! And this from a guy who uses a lot of hairspray (you try maintaining this much beard without spray!).

[The Troll 67]

The looping photos are fun.

The video, not so much.  At about 3:55 into it, I had to pee.  I think I made the same face as Zoe.  Thanks.  Not going to back to the video.

 

Looking forward to more, looping photos, not pee photos.

 

Please forgive the video. I didn't shoot it. I wouldn't shoot it. Notice I have no photos of that Duck and Fish abomination. I didn't want to subject my poor camera's optics to all the glaring orange, green, and mauve.

 

Obviously, I'm way behind and just reading this now, but I simply must take you to task on this:

Seriously? This from the guy who was giddy over being served a fruit-yogurt salad a few pages ago? Man card, indeed!

 

Wait. Did I really just get my ass handed to me by Santa Claus?

 

And, while I'm giving you grief, you DROVE to start your pub-crawl date and then you take the BUS to DTD!? That's sheer insanity... Rain and hairspray be damned! And this from a guy who uses a lot of hairspray (you try maintaining this much beard without spray!).

 

Moreover, allow me to call your attention to this:

 

 

If Chuck Norris does it, you are in no danger of losing your Man Card. Now, would you ever see Chuck in sandals and tube socks? How about Chuck wearing a baby harness? Or, for that matter, Chuck dressed up as Santa Claus?

[GaDawgFan.....Kelly 799]

 

Wait. Did I really just get my ass handed to me by Santa Claus?

 

 

Indeed, you did.

[The Troll 67]

Time for a Sunday Troll update.

 

When we last left off, Mrs. Troll and I were looping. We have lots more photos to see.

 

Like this:

 

 

You know how long it took me to compose that shot above?

 

About 1/4 a second.

 

This isn't too bad:

 

 

And this is off the charts good:

 

 

 

Hey! I almost forgot to tell this story. I've got lots of stories.

 

So Mrs. Troll and I were stuck in the camper on one of the countless nights we were trapped inside due to the torrential downpours that were greatly contributing to the erosion of River Country. We were watching TV, flipping through channels. Well, if you've never been to Disney World before, one thing you should know is that they offer "free" cable in the hotel rooms and at the campsites. How nice of them, right?

 

The only catch is that out of 50 channels, 44 of them are Disney. And out of the 44 channels that are Disney, 43 of them are advertisement channels. There's this really, really annoying girl who gives the viewer a "tour" of all the theme parks in order to get the viewer pumped about emptying his wallet. And they run this tour over and over and over and over again.

 

On another channel they run a shameless, unending pitch for the DVCs.

 

OK, I've commented on DVCs in past Troll Reports before, so I apologize for rehashing old ground, but I just want to make something clear: The DVCs are a con. A con! They're an elaborate plan to separate a mark from his wallet as soon as humanly possible.

 

I am, clearly, very anti-DVC. Understand, I'm all for big companies like Disney making a profit. I'm all for them raking in the profits, in fact. But stooping to the timeshare low is beneath Disney.

 

So it was in this frame of mind that I got to "enjoy" this channel where they were pitching the crap out of the DVCs, and this presentation was really, really too much.

 

They had this dude who had just retired from the Army. He served 24+ years serving our nation. And now Disney had him in their sales presentation video claiming -- and I'm not making this up -- that the DVCs are "saving families," including his. I kid you not. He went on to describe how guilty he felt for being away from his family for so long while he was, you know, doing his job in the Army. That job that kept his family fed and in a home. He felt guilty for that. He felt guilty for being away from home.

 

Now the DVCs are finally giving him an opportunity to "make up" for all that time away.

 

Sheesh. Really, guys? One of the lasting hallmarks of Disney is that they're supposed to always do things in good taste. Can we get back to that?

 

OK, sorry for that little aside. Back to the looping pictures:

 

 

 

Check this out:

 

 

Evidently there was a classic car show in the area.

 

Notice it's a 1968 Dodge Dart:

 

 

 

Hey, Mrs. Troll and I picked up one of those DVC brochures once. It wasn't easy to get. You see, if you dare approach one of those DVC booths with the slightest hint of interest in your eye, the DVC salesmakers behind that counter pull out a whale harpoon and harpoon you with it. You will never escape. So to get said brochure, Mrs. Troll and I waited while the salesmakers were busy reeling in a harpooned couple. With their attention distracted and the drool dripping from their curled lips, we were able to sneak behind them and grab one.

 

Now, one thing the Troll is known to do is go on sales presentations to get free stuff.

 

One time, the car dealer we bought our last car from sent me a postcard saying that if we came in and test drove a new car, they'd give us a $50 Visa gift card, free! So we were there with bells on. When the sales guy arrived on the scene, I made it perfectly clear that I was going to be very annoying and wasn't going to buy anything, so just gimme my free Visa card, beyotch! I believe I even said, "Look, dude, I know you work on commission. So it's in your best interest to hurry up and just give me the Visa card or else you'll just waste your time with me and lose sales to the other sales people."

 

I just realized something -- that $50 Visa card could have bought us ONE steak at Shula's Steakhouse.

 

Anyway, so that sales guy tried to stick to his guns and not give me that gift card without at least making us take a test drive, so I started antagonizing him: "Hey, Bill, do you have a guilty conscience?"

Bill the car salesman: "Guilty conscience? Why?"

Troll: "Because you're always trying to dupe these people you know can't afford the payments for one of these cars into buying one anyway."

 

That did it. That $50 Visa card was mine!

 

What were we talking about? Oh, yeah. Looping.

 

 

Oh, yeah! That DVC brochure we swiped!

 

Yeah, so us trolls are known to go do sales presentations to get free stuff. That's why we swiped the DVC brochure -- we wanted to see what they give away for free. After all, it should be a pretty good bet. Other timeshares will give you a gift certificate for a dinner for two at a fancy restaurant. In Las Vegas you can get free show tickets. Heck, at some timeshares you can get a free cruise!

 

So you know what the DVCs give away for free?

 

Ice cream.

 

Yep. Ice cream. That's it.

 

No, thank you.

 

 

 

Do you feel like you're looping yet?

 

Did you know that there's a checkerboard on Main Street in the Magic Kingdom? There is. Just thought you would like to know that in the event you'd like to pay $85 to get into a theme park and then waste the day playing a game you can play for free at Cracker Barrel!

 

There's still much more of this to come! Coming up next, a Troll Rant about golf cart rule breakers!

[devores 382]

The Dart belongs to a guy who comes down for the Old Town car shows all the time. I see him here a lot. Under the cover is another one. Not sure what he brought during your time, but its usually another dart. He also restores Model Ts and he and his friends drove from NJ to Seattle in Model Ts.

 

The checker board is just outside the confectionary.

[BuckeyeFortMama 43]

It was beer o'thirty, so we were looking for a lounge.

Now, there's a difference between a bar and a lounge. You know those places where the barstools are tucked under the bar at a diagonal direction? You know, the barstools are stuffed in next to each other so close that if you want to go to the bathroom, the stranger next to you has to literally stand up and pull his stool out of your way? And then when you're sitting there, strangers behind you are reaching over your head to take beers from the bartender and dripping condensation water on your shoulder?

I hate those places.

I wanted a lounge.

You know, plush easy chairs, throw pillows, and ottomans. End tables and a semblance of privacy. That. That's what I like. Not those tall barstools with that bar in your back.

 

 

 

It's been a few years.  Well, in all honesty my oldest is 10 and this was before kids for us, but...

 

just for future reference if you are ever in need a nice lounge on the Boardwalk again.

 

There was a great lounge in the Boardwalk Resort that had said plush easy chairs and some major elbow room.

 

My husband attended a conference and I spent hours relaxing in that lounge because the ambiance was great.

 

They played the old time radio dramas and and was just plain relaxing and comfortable.

 

I haven't been back since because dragging my kids into that den of relaxation would be something the Troll would rant about and I know better.

[Big Kahuna aka John 71]

I need to find this Boardwalk Lounge.  I drive the family crazy listening to Sirius Radio Classics.   This sounds like fun.

 

Nice DVC rant Mr. Troll..   You have nailed it.  

[Lou... 3,118]

I need to find this Boardwalk Lounge.  I drive the family crazy listening to Sirius Radio Classics.   This sounds like fun.

 

 

 

It's called the Belle Vue Lounge and it's located in the Boardwalk Inn.

Below is Disney's description.

It's pretty much as BFM described it.

 

 

Relax in a 1930s sitting room while reminiscing to the sounds of the Golden Years of radio. Enjoy the nostalgic music of such artists as Billie Holiday and Benny Goodman or comedy and adventure programs such as Blondie and Captain Midnight. Socialize, read or play board games while our staff tends to your every need.

Located near the Main Lobby of Disney’s BoardWalk Inn, with an outdoor balcony overlooking Crescent Lake.

Breakfast 6:30 a.m. - 11:00 a.m.

Full bar 5:00 p.m. - 12 midnight.

(Hours subject to change seasonally.)

 

[The Troll 67]

The Dart belongs to a guy who comes down for the Old Town car shows all the time. I see him here a lot. Under the cover is another one. Not sure what he brought during your time, but its usually another dart. He also restores Model Ts and he and his friends drove from NJ to Seattle in Model Ts.

 

The checker board is just outside the confectionary.

 

It's a very nice car. A lot of people don't realize that there was a muscle car version of the Dodge Dart. It's bad ass.

 

It's been a few years.  Well, in all honesty my oldest is 10 and this was before kids for us, but...

 

just for future reference if you are ever in need a nice lounge on the Boardwalk again.

 

There was a great lounge in the Boardwalk Resort that had said plush easy chairs and some major elbow room.

 

My husband attended a conference and I spent hours relaxing in that lounge because the ambiance was great.

 

They played the old time radio dramas and and was just plain relaxing and comfortable.

 

I haven't been back since because dragging my kids into that den of relaxation would be something the Troll would rant about and I know better.

 

We found this place! When we were done with our drinks and BBQ nachos at the ESPN place, we decided to explore some more and happened upon the Bellevue lounge. I was disappointed, as we had already had our fill of drinks.

 

I need to find this Boardwalk Lounge.  I drive the family crazy listening to Sirius Radio Classics.   This sounds like fun.

 

Nice DVC rant Mr. Troll..   You have nailed it.  

 

You know what I listened to just recently? Orson Welles' "War of the Worlds." To think people thought that it was real. People were easily fooled back then.

 

 

It's called the Belle Vue Lounge and it's located in the Boardwalk Inn.

Below is Disney's description.

It's pretty much as BFM described it.

 

 

Relax in a 1930s sitting room while reminiscing to the sounds of the Golden Years of radio. Enjoy the nostalgic music of such artists as Billie Holiday and Benny Goodman or comedy and adventure programs such as Blondie and Captain Midnight. Socialize, read or play board games while our staff tends to your every need.

Located near the Main Lobby of Disney’s BoardWalk Inn, with an outdoor balcony overlooking Crescent Lake.

Breakfast 6:30 a.m. - 11:00 a.m.

Full bar 5:00 p.m. - 12 midnight.

(Hours subject to change seasonally.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Description  

Step into this quaint 1930s-style sitting room where radios play programs from the era. In the evening, enjoy a cocktail in a comfy chair or on the verandah. Coffee and pastries are served in the morning. Board games are also available. 

 

 

So I was disappointed we didn't enjoy our drinks there...but hey, we have someplace new to investigate on our next trip!

[CCIntrigue...aka Gwen 547]

My first new car was a purple 1970 Dodge Dart Swinger. Your pictures brought back great memories!

[The Troll 67]

So let's continue looping, shall we?

 

These scrub palmetto bushes grow like a weed and provide excellent fill-in coverage. Disney needs to plant more of them:

 

 

These evergreen trees were planted extensively throughout the Fort recently:

 

 

I want to call your attention to something:

 

 

One of the recurring themes in this report, if you haven't noticed, has been the question, "How many [insert ridiculously overpriced item here] can they sell?" How many soap balls can they sell? How many $130 glasses of wine can they sell? How many crappy pieces of dolphin "art" can they sell?

 

It all culminates into this: How many daggum DVC rooms can they sell?!

 

Seriously. Think about this. There is a certain capacity that any one resort area can reach. If you overbuild beyond that capacity, you hit this thing called The Law of Diminishing Returns. In other words, you have more rooms than you have customers.

 

It happened to Las Vegas. It happened -- and is still happening -- in Dubai.

 

Building all these ginormous DVC hotel things is a one way road. There's no turning back. If you build all these monstrosities and people finally figure out the con behind the timeshare concept, the demand may dry up. Then what? You're stuck with all these massive buildings to maintain without enough people to pay for them. I don't know. It just seems to me they're going overboard. Think about it. You have the Contemporary whatever-it's-called, now the Grand Floridian whatever-it's called. And now there's talk of a DVC going up at the Polynesian.

 

Then throw in the Four Seasons hotel getting set to open. Granted, it's not a timeshare (not that I'm aware of), but it still competes for bed occupancy.

 

How many damned rooms can you sell?

 

And you know what drives it all? This:

 

 

Yep. Them Disney princesses. They're the draw. It ain't "Space Mountain." It ain't "Splash Mountain." It ain't "It's a Small World."

 

It's 22-year-olds in ballgowns. Why else does Disney make every single animated film about a girl? Think about it! Think about the most recent released Disney animated features: "Princess and the Frog"? Check. "Tangled"? Check. "Brave"? Check. "Wreck-It Ralph"? Check.

 

And in 2014 we'll be getting "Frozen." And, sure enough, there will be a princess in it. And a queen.

 

Princesses create cash. And since there are so many new DVCs going up, Disney is calling in the reinforcements.

 

So the bottom line is, ladies, there are a ton of DVC rooms to sell. You better start curtseying your asses off. I can just imagine a back room somewhere where they take the princesses to recover in between meet-and-greets. They have stools like they have in boxing matches and trainers to massage their shoulders and shoot water into their mouths. Instead of cut men, they have makeup artists to do emergency face repairs. They sit on those stools slumped over, exhausted and dehydrated. Then the bell rings and they reanimate and head back out to the castle show area for the next round.

 

If the princesses ever formed a union and went on strike, it would be all over for Disney. 

 

Dogs sell stuff, too:

 

 

They attract views to trip reports.

 

You know, of all the times I've visited the Fort, I've never walked these walkways from start to finish:

 

 

I really should make a day of that someday. I can carry the camera and take pictures of junk along the way. Hey! A walking tour of the Fort! What a great idea I just had! No one's done that in a trip report before! I call dibs!

 

 

I guess this is a fire hydrant?

 

 

Pointing the camera skyward:

 

 

I've never seen any other campground, state park, ranch, or housing development do wooden fences this way:

 

 

We stopped:

 

 

Not sure why I take pictures of this stuff:

 

 

Here's the former member of the Man Club:

 

 

When you get your Man Card revoked, I'm not sure what that leaves you. I guess it leaves you free to assemble displays like this:

 

 

Dislike:

 

 

Love:

 

 

The road was blocked:

 

 

Now, as promised, I bring to you another fine Troll Rant^TM:

 

[TROLL RANT]

What is the point of this sign?

 

 

To me it's pretty doggone clear, but to many, many other people who visit the Fort, it's perplexing. Note to everyone who enjoys golf carts at the Fort: Traffic rules apply to you. You are not free to ignore this sign if you are driving a golf cart! It's posted for a reason!

 

Stop it!

 

Oh, I can hear it now: "But, Troll, my site is so far away from the exit of the loop. I don't want to have to drive all the way around the loop to get to the exit when I'm so close if I just go against traffic!"

 

Fail. Request denied. You must drive in the direction of traffic. And you know what? Driving the wrong way against traffic saves you, what, 30 whole seconds?

 

Enough already! Follow the rules! You are not above them!

[/TROLL RANT]

 

OK, I need a break now. Hopefully there's a princess stool unoccupied I can sit on for a moment.

[GaDawgFan.....Kelly 799]

It's hard to follow the rules for golf car driving when you're not old enough to read.

[CoachClough 12]

Didn't Pat Benatar teach us "one-Way, or another..."

[Nicki aka Rebelstand 272]

Finally caught up and I am in

[caveat lector 181]

Didn't Pat Benatar teach us "one-Way, or another..."

Blondie did something like that too?

[Lou... 3,118]

Didn't Pat Benatar teach us "one-Way, or another..."

 

 

Blondie did something like that too?

 

Caveat Lector 1, the Coach 0, for musical history.

[CoachClough 12]

I see I have to step up my game.  Well played.

[caveat lector 181]

Not at all. My skills are eroding quickly. With the kids listening to bands like Fun or LMFAO, it's surprising I remember any of the good stuff. :)

[BuckeyeFortMama 43]

Caveat Lector 1, the Coach 0, for musical history.

 

Shouldn't we give Coach a half point for being awful snarky on his 10th post on the board?

[Tri-Circle-D 2,059]

OK, Troll, I'm caught up.

 

Thanks for the head's up about the S&D.  I've never stepped foot in there either, and now I don't need too.

 

Although maybe I should go and see the mauve for myself just once.

 

I love that idea you had about the walking tour of the Fort.  I will look forward to reading that report.

 

TCD

[AC in A2......Aaron 693]

In my best queens english accent, " More please."