The Trolls Invade the Fort

[Big Kahuna aka John 71]

A drink?    Troll better be carrying a serious anniversary present.....  I'm just sayin'

[The Troll 67]

All right, I'm back. I have to rewrite from scratch the update I had typed up the other day. For some reason, rewriting something you already wrote once is no fun at all.

 

Let's get started. 

 

So we finally made our way to the Outer Rim lounge at the Contemporary and we ordered drinks:

 

 

I had a Bloody Mary and Mrs. Troll ordered a "craft" beer. Just what, exactly, is a "craft" beer, anyway? I sure hear that term bandied about a lot nowadays. I'm pretty sure "craft" is just a euphemism for "expensive."

 

While we were enjoying our $7 drinks, a six-year-old boy wearing face paint decided to defect from his family and join ours. He joined us at our table. His face paint design matched the Ultimate Warrior's face paint. Remember that guy? No? This schlup:

 

 

Can you say, "Deca-Durabolin"?

 

It was this magical potion that made many people in sports and Hollywood very famous in the 80s.

 

Anyway, so this fine, strapping six-year-old had his face painted up like the Ultimate Warrior and had joined us for cocktails. As we sipped our drinks he was busy trying to crawl under our table and worm his way under his chair, "hiding" from us, and wedging himself between the back of his chair and the wall.

 

You know, why do they have all these kids at Disney World, anyway? What gives? I mean, people, take your kids to Chuck E. Cheese or the McDonald's playground, where they belong, not Disney World. And then you wonder, how do all these kids find me? I'm like a magnet for kids. And homeless people. I don't know why.

 

This one time, I was at 7-11, buying a cup of coffee, and when I was leaving, this homeless dude comes up to me and says, "Hey, partner, um, I'm not going to lie to you...I need some money for a beer!" Had to admire his honesty and candidness.

 

Anyway, so I decided to attempt to "connect" with this boy. I tried asking him questions.

 

Troll: "So, do you like wrestling?"

 

Boy: "Nope."

 

Troll: "Do you know whose face paint you're wearing?"

 

Boy: "Nope. Don't care." This, as he was slithering along the carpet like the Grinch when he was stealing all the Whos' Christmas presents.

 

Troll: "Do you like Mickey Mouse?"

 

Boy: "Nope."

 

Then his mother arrived and tried to wrangle him back to his family's table.

 

Ultimate Warrior's Mom: "Franklin, don't want to come sit with us?'

 

Boy: "Nope."

 

Mom: "Do you want to take a ride on the monorail?"

 

Boy: "Nope."

 

Mom: "Don't you want to come sit with grandma and grandpa?"

 

Boy: "Nope."

 

Now you might be thinking, "Troll! Aren't you worried that boy's family might be reading this report and not appreciate you recounting this event?"

 

At first, yes I was. But then I realized it's OK...

 

No one reads this website.

 

Ha ha! Joke! Joke! It's a joke! Just a joke! Please don't toilet paper my camper again.

 

Eventually we realized it was time for us to be moving on. So we bid adieu to the Ultimate Warrior and his stymied mom and hopped back aboard the Failed Vision. We rode it all the way to the opposite side of the circuit to the Grand Floridian. Mrs. Troll had always wanted to have a drink in the Grand Lounge, so that's where we were headed.

 

Those Disney people are smart. To get from the monorail deck to anywhere inside the Grand Floridian (including the booze), you have to walk through a mall of sorts...past shops, where they sell ridiculously overpriced merchandise. For example, they have a shop where all they sell is soap balls:

 

 

I mean, how many damned $12 soap balls can you sell in one day? And how many suckers are there in the world, willing to buy them? I mean, you gotta sell a ton of soap balls just to keep the joint open and pay the employees.

 

Oh yeah! I forgot a story I was going to tell. While we were on the monorail, we were seated comfortably when we pulled in to the TTC station. There, a family of four boarded. Of course, this family was pushing one of those Chevy Suburban-sized double-wide strollers...with, like, eight wheels on it. One small child -- about two years old -- was being carried by the mother of the quad. The other child was being strolled. And that, folks, brings me to another Troll Rant:

 

[TROLL RANT]

People, if your kids are old enough to own their own cell phone and are texting, THEY DO NOT BELONG IN STROLLERS!

[/TROLL RANT]

 

I am not making this up. One of the seats of the double-wide stroller was occupied by a little girl who, I promise you, was at least 8-years-old. And she had her own Android smart phone and was furiously texting on it while she was literally being chauffeured by her obviously physically exhausted and emotionally defeated father. Girl was eight. At least. She was so big, her legs were so long, her knees came up to her forehead in the stroller seat. And don't think the little girl was just making use of the stroller while her toddler sibling was being carried by mom. This was a double wide stroller, clearly intended for two children. So unless they had some infant stuffed somewhere in a diaper bag, they intentionally packed this behemoth stroller with the intention of strolling their eight-year-old, texting princess.

 

Anyway, back to the soap balls.

 

We passed by the soap ball shop and somehow were able to resist the temptation of being drawn inside. We made our way into the lounge and found a quaint table by the windows:

 

 

 

I believe I may be laughing at someone wearing a rolled-up-on-the-sides cowboy hat.

 

You know, doesn't rolling up the sides of a cowboy hat defeat the purpose?

 

Again we had drinks:

 

 

I had another Bloody Mary and Mrs. Troll had a Madris. This was the last drink I'd be having for the evening, as I would have to drive back to camp in a few hours after dinner.

 

Here's a photo of the Grand Lounge:

 

 

Indeed, very grand.

 

Just for kicks, I decided to browse the bar menu:

 

 

Holy schnikey's! A $126 glass of wine?!?

 

Really, how many $126 dollar glasses of wine do they sell?!? And what sucker would pay it?! You know, there are just way too many dumb people with too much money. I mean, why can't one of them be me? I would like soap balls. And I would like to stay in a hotel with a subway train running through it throughout all hours of the day and night. I would like to lounge in the lobby of a "lodge" made out of fake logs...and, you know, belong there. And I would like to eat breakfast served by college students in minor league baseball mascot costumes.

 

But no. Instead I must grill my own meat and tow my own hotel room behind my ten-year-old KIA SUV.

 

Still to come, Mrs. Troll and I gorge ourselves on animal muscle.

[GaDawgFan.....Kelly 799]

I'm a wine person, but no way would I pay those prices.

[thecplusplusguy 7]

It's got pixie dust in it that's why!!

Dan

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Lou... 3,118]

$126 for wine, that's what I pay,...................for a year. Unlike my wine, I'm guessing that wine doesn't come out of a box, or maybe it does.

[CCIntrigue...aka Gwen 547]

$126 for wine, that's what I pay,...................for a year. Unlike my wine, I'm guessing that wine doesn't come out of a box, or maybe it does.

 

:rofl2:

 

I'm having some boxed wine right now!

[BradyBzLyn...Mo 2,023]

Those "EPIC" wine prices are by the OUNCE, not glass. 

 

Just went shopping and  bought a darned fine bottle of red wine at Trader Joe's for a whopping $6. It has a lot of ounces in it. I'm pretty sure if I drink all $6 worth in one sitting, it will be quite EPIC.

 

Troll, I admire your penchant for bloody marys.  All those vitamins after all... and hey, no scurvy!

 

Oh and DH echoes your sentiment when it comes to kids at WDW. 

[BuckeyeFortMama 43]

 

Oh yeah! I forgot a story I was going to tell. While we were on the monorail, we were seated comfortably when we pulled in to the TTC station. There, a family of four boarded. Of course, this family was pushing one of those Chevy Suburban-sized double-wide strollers...with, like, eight wheels on it. One small child -- about two years old -- was being carried by the mother of the quad. The other child was being strolled. And that, folks, brings me to another Troll Rant:

 

[TROLL RANT]

People, if your kids are old enough to own their own cell phone and are texting, THEY DO NOT BELONG IN STROLLERS!

[/TROLL RANT]

 

I am not making this up. One of the seats of the double-wide stroller was occupied by a little girl who, I promise you, was at least 8-years-old. And she had her own Android smart phone and was furiously texting on it while she was literally being chauffeured by her obviously physically exhausted and emotionally defeated father. Girl was eight. At least. She was so big, her legs were so long, her knees came up to her forehead in the stroller seat. And don't think the little girl was just making use of the stroller while her toddler sibling was being carried by mom. This was a double wide stroller, clearly intended for two children. So unless they had some infant stuffed somewhere in a diaper bag, they intentionally packed this behemoth stroller with the intention of strolling their eight-year-old, texting princess.

 

 

I totally second this rant!!! and I am the mother of 4 young children. 

 

I have a 10, 8, 6, and just turned 3yr old.

 

We take a single umbrella stroller ONLY! and sometimes we don't take it into the park with us.

 

Imagine that! Just think of all the toes and ankles that are saved by me doing my part in reducing the number of unneccessary strollers!

[caveat lector 181]

Wow, an Ultimate Warrior reference.....I did not see that one coming. Very impressive! I enjoyed watching that steroid infused generation of wrestling entertainment. Watching the warrior, Stinger, Sid Vicious, and the Legion of Doom was a blast.

Kudos to you Mr. troll!

[The Troll 67]

 

 

If you have to walk all the way down, I feel a TCD rant coming on....

 

Oh, don't think for one moment I forgot about this. The trademarked term is Troll Rant, not TDD Rant. He is allowed to do Troll Rants in his reports; however, he had to pay a licensing fee to me for said right.

[Tri-Circle-D 2,059]

Great Troll Rant^TM  on the gigantic stroller epidemic that plagues WDW.

 

Great observation about the soap ball place.  I try to stay away from the GF as much as possible.  I never thought much about the soap ball place, but you're right- how many soap balls could they possibly sell?

 

And that wine?  Really?  The few really rich people whom I know personally would never pay that much for wine. Most rich people are not stupid. You might get rich despite being stupid, but you can't stay rich being stupid. So who the heck buys that stuff?

 

I am very intrigued about how you planned your evening.  You park at the Poly.  Then go all the way to the Contemporary.  Then to the GF.  Now you have to go back to the Poly.  The whole plan is very inefficient.  Poor Leslie.

 

TCD

[The Troll 67]

I'm a wine person, but no way would I pay those prices.

 

Me, neither. Never. Not even if I had just 4 minutes to live and had $50,000 in cash in my wallet.

 

$126 for wine, that's what I pay,...................for a year. Unlike my wine, I'm guessing that wine doesn't come out of a box, or maybe it does.

 

No doubt, right? I bet if you did a blind taste test, those people that buy that wine wouldn't be able to tell the difference between it and a $10 wine.

 

Those "EPIC" wine prices are by the OUNCE, not glass. 

 

Just went shopping and  bought a darned fine bottle of red wine at Trader Joe's for a whopping $6. It has a lot of ounces in it. I'm pretty sure if I drink all $6 worth in one sitting, it will be quite EPIC.

 

Troll, I admire your penchant for bloody marys.  All those vitamins after all... and hey, no scurvy!

 

Oh and DH echoes your sentiment when it comes to kids at WDW. 

 

I'm so glad to hear that there are others who realize that the growing scourge called "kids" is ruining Disney World!

 

I totally second this rant!!! and I am the mother of 4 young children. 

 

I have a 10, 8, 6, and just turned 3yr old.

 

We take a single umbrella stroller ONLY! and sometimes we don't take it into the park with us.

 

Imagine that! Just think of all the toes and ankles that are saved by me doing my part in reducing the number of unneccessary strollers!

 

Yes, thank you! Next time we go, we're going to bring a stroller and I'll have Mrs. Troll stroll me...just to make a statement.

 

Wow, an Ultimate Warrior reference.....I did not see that one coming. Very impressive! I enjoyed watching that steroid infused generation of wrestling entertainment. Watching the warrior, Stinger, Sid Vicious, and the Legion of Doom was a blast.

Kudos to you Mr. troll!

 

I have an eye for detail...worthless, trivial, nonsensical detail.

 

Great Troll Rant^TM  on the gigantic stroller epidemic that plagues WDW.

 

Great observation about the soap ball place.  I try to stay away from the GF as much as possible.  I never thought much about the soap ball place, but you're right- how many soap balls could they possibly sell?

 

And that wine?  Really?  The few really rich people whom I know personally would never pay that much for wine. Most rich people are not stupid. You might get rich despite being stupid, but you can't stay rich being stupid. So who the heck buys that stuff?

 

I am very intrigued about how you planned your evening.  You park at the Poly.  Then go all the way to the Contemporary.  Then to the GF.  Now you have to go back to the Poly.  The whole plan is very inefficient.  Poor Leslie.

 

TCD

 

All right, so allow me to explain. It was raining. Mrs. Troll refuses to allow her hair to get wet. So the boat was out. We could ride the golf cart to the buses, but that would require us to put the rain shields down. But Mrs. Troll says it's too hot with the rain shields down. So golf cart was out.

 

So we had to drive. I figured it would be best to park at the Poly, as our dinner reservation wasn't until 9:40. But Mrs. Troll wanted to have drinks and I wanted to show her the romantic sunset from the Contemporary roof. So that had to be our first destination, lest we miss the sunset. But because a certain *ahem* person didn't tell me the right stairwell to access the roof from, we got stuck.

 

But we figured we might as well have a drink while we were there since we had a few hours to kill. Then we hit GF because Mrs. Troll wanted a drink from that luxury lounge with the $126 wine.

[The Troll 67]

OK, let's press on!

 

When we last left off, Mrs. Troll and I were enjoying a drink at the $126-a-glass lounge. It's a really nice joint. They have a big brass band just outside the lounge that plays classy, Roaring '20s music...except, that is, when it's time to play something awful out of the 1990s movie collection, like "Under the Sea." Imagine that for a moment -- a big band playing "Under the Sea" when you're trying to relax and enjoy an adult beverage. "Under the sea, under the sea, under the sea!" Except there were no lyrics. Very annoying and loud.

 

Dislike.

 

And then while this grating music was blaring, there was this nerd dad who clearly had taken intermediate ballroom dance lessons from the Arthur Murray Dance Studio and was determined to show it off. He was wearing long cargo shorts and Crocs. And his dance partner? His 9-year-old daughter.

 

Who, needless to say, was a very unwilling dance partner.

 

He had a death grip on her hands and was trying to spin her around, turn her, dip her, etc., but the little girl didn't quite understand the concept of following a lead. Instead she kept saying, "Daddy, I don't want to dance anymore. Daddy...I...Daddy...I don't want to dance...ouch...Daddy, you're hurting my arms..."

 

Under the sea, under the sea, under the sea! Do do do dit dit dit dit dit do do...

 

While this was initially partially entertaining, after a bit it was awkward and disturbing to see that little girl inadvertently get her arms twisted behind her into a hammerlock. So we paid up and made our way over to the Poly.

 

So here we are:

 

 

Now, you might be saying, "You're busted, Troll! You said no more drinks because you had to drive but what's that right there in your hand?!"

 

It was Mrs. Troll's girlie drink. I just picked it up as a prop. Hey, one time a bunch of years ago, TDD and I think the Fort Wilderness Guy and some other jackholes here (actually, it was at the old place) made fun of me because I admitted that I like Pina Coladas at the Poly. Then one day, TDD shows up at our site to say hi, and he's carrying a Michelob Ultra.

 

Anyway, so I was holding the drink for the picture. And you know when you smile big for a picture, but the person taking the picture can't figure the camera out, so you're like talking through your teeth: "What's the problem? What's taking so long?" FLASH!

 

Yep. Look at my expression. That's exactly what happened in this shot.

 

Soon enough, we were seated:

 

And you see? The girlie drink is back in the possession of its proper owner.

 

OK, now let's talk about the 'Ohana's experience. Now you might be expecting me to gush on and on about how wonderful the food is, how delightful the atmosphere is...blah, blah, blah...

 

No. That's not what you're going to get. That's not what you get in Troll Trip Reports.

 

Instead we're going to discuss the con job they try to pull on you when you come eat at this place. It's a classic, old con. Simple in design and execution. Yet the vast majority of 'Ohana patrons fall for it over and over again.

 

What's the con?

 

It's called: They Bring You the Cheap Junk First.

 

Like this:

 

 

 

Here we have a delectable loaf of bread...which costs our beloved friends at Disney, oh, about 2 cents to make. They'll bring you as much of this as you want. Just ask. They want you to eat this so desperately, they grab a loaf as they're seating you!

 

"Here, sucker! Eat some bread! Eat some bread!"

 

See, Mrs. Troll and I are very immune to the carnie tricks that Disney tries to pull like this. We're not so easily fooled. We did not eat that bread. Bring me some steak, lots of it, beyotches!

 

Here I am, advertising the establishment:

 

 

Notice the place was packed:

 

 

Also notice that the Tiki pole, statute, carving...what is that thing called? Whatever -- it's licking the torch it's holding like an ice cream cone.

 

More detail of Mr. Tiki:

 

 

OK, now the con continues. They next bring you salad with a citrus dressing, followed by a plate of cheapo chicken wings and dumplings. Do not eat these. Do not fall for it. As you can see in this photo, we left them untouched:

 

 

They also bring you this huge bucket of noodles (i.e., spaghetti from Walmart) doused with soy sauce. Do not eat this either. Inspect my plate closely:

 

 

Here's a closeup:

 

 

Lots and lots of meat and a smidgen of lettuce.

 

The notion that I was getting over on Disney made me happy:

 

 

Notice I am drinking Coke Zero. Also notice I have some shrimp on my plate now. Mmmmm...meat.

 

So, bottom line: If you want to get your money's worth at 'Ohana's don't fall for their trick of bringing you a bunch of cheap stuff first. Don't fill up on cheap bread, cheap spaghetti noodles, cheap chicken wings you can get at the wing bar at Winn Dixie, or the cheap pork dumpling things -- instead, save your stomach space for the meat. That's what I did! Every time the waiter came over, he'd say, "How about some more chicken?" and I'd say, "Nope! Steak! Bring me more steak!" And then he'd sigh, roll his eyes, and reluctantly pull another spit of beef off the fire.

[ºoºThomasclan85ºoº 8]

This was my FIRST Troll Report and I have to say I thoroughly enjoyed it. The pictures were great too. I too have typed a lot only to have it disappear on me so now I always type out everything on a Word document and then copy and paste it to where I want it. Saves a lot of retyping. I found myself laughing quite a bit at your expense. *sorry* :rofl2: I'm afraid had my husband and I experienced what you did at the Contemporary that he wouldn't have gotten off so easy. I can just imagine the look on your face when you heard that 'click'. :rofl2: Your description of each experience was so detailed you almost didn't need pictures. I personally know a few Oompaloompa (I'm sure I mispelled this) mamas myself. Thanks so much for sharing. I'll be sure to be on the lookout for future Troll reports. :jumpforjoy

[The Troll 67]

This was my FIRST Troll Report and I have to say I thoroughly enjoyed it. The pictures were great too. I too have typed a lot only to have it disappear on me so now I always type out everything on a Word document and then copy and paste it to where I want it. Saves a lot of retyping. I found myself laughing quite a bit at your expense. *sorry* :rofl2: I'm afraid had my husband and I experienced what you did at the Contemporary that he wouldn't have gotten off so easy. I can just imagine the look on your face when you heard that 'click'. :rofl2: Your description of each experience was so detailed you almost didn't need pictures. I personally know a few Oompaloompa (I'm sure I mispelled this) mamas myself. Thanks so much for sharing. I'll be sure to be on the lookout for future Troll reports. :jumpforjoy

 

Oh, we're not done yet. Still plenty more to come. Although maybe you're wishing we were done. Ha ha.

[LONE-STAR 370]

There was once a national question "where's the beef? ". Well now we know the Troll ate it all. Well done.

[LONE-STAR 370]

There was once a national question "where's the beef? ". Well now we know the Troll ate it all. Well done.

[DaveInTN 3,247]

My problem is I love the wings and potstickers.  I'm screwed either way. 

[BuckeyeFortMama 43]

Noooo, those sticky wings and pot stickers are the best!

 

I agree on the steak don't get me wrong, but seriously you didn't eat any of the wings?

[AC in A2......Aaron 693]

Not a fan of the soap balls or the Grand Bar.

 

I am a fan of making fun of kids who look like the Ultimate Warrior.

 

Which of the three Ultimate Warriors did the kid look like most?

 

The Grand Bar didn't serve Mad Dog when we were there so I had to nix the wine idea and settle on beer instead.

[thecplusplusguy 7]

I have to confess I'm not a real Fiend.  I have been to Disney about 18 times and have never eaten at Ohana's.  I gotta get over there next year.

 

Dan

[LONE-STAR 370]

I have to confess I'm not a real Fiend.  I have been to Disney about 18 times and have never eaten at Ohana's.  I gotta get over there next year.

 

Dan

That's ok I never have eaten at Ohana's. That whole resort has never had a big draw to me. I went to Hawi as a teenager and the clear water in the ocean was the draw to me. I have eaten at Captin Cooks a few times though and it was a good breakfast. (tonga toast:)

[Tri-Circle-D 2,059]

 

All right, so allow me to explain. It was raining. Mrs. Troll refuses to allow her hair to get wet. So the boat was out. We could ride the golf cart to the buses, but that would require us to put the rain shields down. But Mrs. Troll says it's too hot with the rain shields down. So golf cart was out.

 

So we had to drive. I figured it would be best to park at the Poly, as our dinner reservation wasn't until 9:40. But Mrs. Troll wanted to have drinks and I wanted to show her the romantic sunset from the Contemporary roof. So that had to be our first destination, lest we miss the sunset. But because a certain *ahem* person didn't tell me the right stairwell to access the roof from, we got stuck.

 

But we figured we might as well have a drink while we were there since we had a few hours to kill. Then we hit GF because Mrs. Troll wanted a drink from that luxury lounge with the $126 wine.

 

Thank you for explaining yourself.  I understand now.  I'm glad to know that you aren't crazy and/or stupid.  In fact, you are quite the opposite.  Good job keeping Mrs. Troll out of the rain.

 

 

 one time a bunch of years ago, TDD and I think the Fort Wilderness Guy and some other jackholes here (actually, it was at the old place) made fun of me because I admitted that I like Pina Coladas at the Poly. Then one day, TDD shows up at our site to say hi, and he's carrying a Michelob Ultra.

 

 

 

It was a Bud Light.

 

And even if it was a Michelob Ultra, it is only in the Troll world where drinking a light beer is on the level of drinking a girlie drink.

 

Your penchant for Pina Coladas coupled with all those photos you took of the Rock of Love guy pretty much convince me that you secretly wear a rolled up cowboy hat.

 

Busted?

 

TCD

[ºoºThomasclan85ºoº 8]

Oh, we're not done yet. Still plenty more to come. Although maybe you're wishing we were done. Ha ha.

Oh no............please continue. I love reading trip reports. It's the next best thing to being there. :laugh:

[CCIntrigue...aka Gwen 547]

 

So, bottom line: If you want to get your money's worth at 'Ohana's don't fall for their trick of bringing you a bunch of cheap stuff first. Don't fill up on cheap bread, cheap spaghetti noodles, cheap chicken wings you can get at the wing bar at Winn Dixie, or the cheap pork dumpling things -- instead, save your stomach space for the meat. That's what I did! Every time the waiter came over, he'd say, "How about some more chicken?" and I'd say, "Nope! Steak! Bring me more steak!" And then he'd sigh, roll his eyes, and reluctantly pull another spit of beef off the fire.

 

You're describing how I eat.  I might nibble on a little of the salad, but otherwise bring on the meat!

 

Really enjoying your TR.