The Trolls Invade the Fort

[The Troll 67]

There was once a national question "where's the beef? ". Well now we know the Troll ate it all. Well done.

Yep. And it was good.

My problem is I love the wings and potstickers. I'm screwed either way.

Yeah, well, I don't love them to $40 per person to eat them. Bring me the beef.

Noooo, those sticky wings and pot stickers are the best!

I agree on the steak don't get me wrong, but seriously you didn't eat any of the wings?

Not a single wing. When we were done, the waiter cocked an eyebrow at me as he was clearing the untouched plates of noodles and wings. "Bring your appetite next time," he said.

Which of the three Ultimate Warriors did the kid look like most?

You said that out loud, in public? You've clearly wasted too much of your life watching pro wrestling.

I have to confess I'm not a real Fiend. I have been to Disney about 18 times and have never eaten at Ohana's. I gotta get over there next year.

Dan

Yes. What have you been waiting for?! Just don't eat any of the bread or noodles.

That's ok I never have eaten at Ohana's. That whole resort has never had a big draw to me. I went to Hawi as a teenager and the clear water in the ocean was the draw to me. I have eaten at Captin Cooks a few times though and it was a good breakfast. (tonga toast:)

Never eaten there. Does Captain Hook come out and wave hello to everyone?

Thank you for explaining yourself. I understand now. I'm glad to know that you aren't crazy and/or stupid. In fact, you are quite the opposite. Good job keeping Mrs. Troll out of the rain.

It was a Bud Light.

And even if it was a Michelob Ultra, it is only in the Troll world where drinking a light beer is on the level of drinking a girlie drink.

Your penchant for Pina Coladas coupled with all those photos you took of the Rock of Love guy pretty much convince me that you secretly wear a rolled up cowboy hat.

Busted?

TCD

Hmmm...let's dig into the TCD archive...

and retrieve...

...this!

Admittedly, not a rolled-up-on-the-sides cowboy hat, but close enough.

Oh no............please continue. I love reading trip reports. It's the next best thing to being there. :laugh:

More is on the way! So glad you're reading along!

You're describing how I eat. I might nibble on a little of the salad, but otherwise bring on the meat!

Really enjoying your TR.

Thanks for reading along, Gwen! And meat rules.

[GaDawgFan.....Kelly 799]

Hmmm...let's dig into the TCD archive...

and retrieve...

...this!

Admittedly, not a rolled-up-on-the-sides cowboy hat, but close enough.

 

 

I think you got him there. And Ultra is a chick beer.

[AC in A2......Aaron 693]

I watched a lot of it when i was a kid Troll......i was observant from a young age.

[Tri-Circle-D 2,059]

I think you got him there. And Ultra is a chick beer.

 

1.  That hat was purchased as a joke.

 

2.  I already said it was a Bud Light. Totally cool.

 

TCD

[caveat lector 181]

I have to stick up for TCD.

The only dude that would wear that hat, is a dude that's confident enough to wear that hat.

Party on gentlemen

[The Troll 67]

I think you got him there. And Ultra is a chick beer.

 

Yes, I did. Got him good. I am a self-admitted TCD Trip report junkie. I don't miss a thing when he posts one. 

 

I watched a lot of it when i was a kid Troll......i was observant from a young age.

 

Just admit it -- you watch it...every night it comes on. It's OK.

 

1.  That hat was purchased as a joke.

 

2.  I already said it was a Bud Light. Totally cool.

 

TCD

 

A) The hat is your possession and Bud Light is in no way cool.

 

I have to stick up for TCD.

The only dude that would wear that hat, is a dude that's confident enough to wear that hat.

Party on gentlemen

 

You only say that because you own one of those hats yourself.

[The Troll 67]

Why is "Dancing with the Stars" still on television? And, for that matter, why was "Splash" a TV show at all? Oddly, Americans enjoy watching their pseudo-celebrities in out-of-vogue competitive activities. Like the fat "comedian" guy jumping feet first into a pool. Quality entertainment!

The ABC network.

What does that have to do with the Fort? Well, ABC is owned by Disney; so is the Fort!

Anyway, let's continue on in our troll journey.

We finished up our dinner at 'Ohana's and I produced 12 credit cards to pay for it. Then we headed back to the Fort in our Troll Mobile. It was raining.

The next day, we woke up and I decided that I needed to try to convert some of that pure, raw protein into muscle, so I headed over to the Sturdy Branches gym at the Wilderness Disney Victims Club. It's a nice gym.

Anyway, today was our actual anniversary day, but it rained...

...all...

...day...

...long.

So we needed something indoors to do. Now, I'm a big movie buff. I also enjoy the movie theater experience. Now I know you're a mark if you still go to the movie theater in today's day and age of 60 inch 1080p TV sets and Blu Ray disks, but there's some magical charm about the actual movie theater experience that I just can't resist.

Sort of, you know, like those people who go to old kiddie amusement parks over and over and over again at the age of, say, 50. Oh, the marketing power of nostalgia.

Anyway, so there was this movie I really, really wanted to see. It was "Oblivion."

All right, all right, you guys. Enough. Enough already. Stop laughing at me. Yeah, ha ha, I wanted to see Tom Cruise in "Oblivion." I admit it.

I mean, come on, you have to admit that the trailer looked great.

So we plopped down $10...per person...for a matinee...at Downtown Disney to see this bomb.

If you haven't seen this movie, um, don't. Pretty much if you've seen the movie "Moon" you've already seen "Oblivion."

You know, I've noticed something about Hollywood nowadays. Back in the day, Hollywood spent a lot of time, energy, and effort on developing a script for a movie, and special effects were secondary. Think of, say, "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" or "Psycho" -- great movies with great stories with totally ordinary effects.

Nowadays Hollywood has turned that paradigm on its head. Now it's all effects and, like, no script at all. Or they just take an old movie like "Aliens" or "Star Wars," film some piece of crap movie, slap the "Aliens" or "Star Wars" logo on it, and make half a billion dollars. Did you see that "Prometheus" turd? Damn, that was a really bad, bad movie.

But then can you blame them? The world is full of suckers like me lining up to pay $10 a head to see Hollywood's crappy movies.

After the movie, we needed a beer. So we headed over to the Irish bar to grab one. It's called Raglan Road. Here's my beer:





And here's Mrs. Troll enjoying hers:



Then, while it was nice, relaxing, and reasonably quiet, these weird River Dance people showed up. They threw a board on the ground and then started dancing on it. Don't believe me? Here's the evidence:




These are evidently the reject River Dancers. The real River Dancers get to perform at Radio City Music Hall and on Broadway. These semi-pro River Dancers get to perform at a fake Irish bar at Downtown Disney in front of a totally disinterested, confused audience. And I kid you not, the entire River Dance performance lasted for, oh, three minutes. Thankfully.

Here I am, wasting megapixels:




Check this out:




This is the battle scar I had left over from my war with the Demon Hose. As you can see, the Demon Hose won that round.

If you have no idea what I'm talking about, you can't just pick up a trip report on the last page and think you can just figure out what's gone on up till now. Go back to page one and begin at the beginning. This is important content you're missing.

Hey, you know what sucks?

Rain.

You know what sucks even more?

Rain at the Fort.

You know what sucks even more than that?

Walking two dogs that don't like rain in the rain at the Fort.

As I was walking the dogs in the rain, I ran into two Bostonian dudes walking in the opposite direction. How did I know they were from Boston, you ask?

Because they said, "Hey, look how this guy pocked his cah."

Anyway, they were discussing Epcot. One guy asked the other, "So, uh, what's in the big ball now?"

And the other guys said, "Nothing. Just some boring space stuff." Only he didn't use the word "stuff." He used the no-no word grownups use to describe poop.

Yeah. Epcot Future World = fail specifically because of guys like this. They should just put a Space Mountain inside the big ball. And they could put a really bad ass Aerosmith roller coaster in the Ellen dino ride. The roller coaster could zoom around and go in between the dinos' legs. That would be cool. Just need to get rid of that annoying, unfunny Ellen lady first, though. And they need to add some pirates to the Living with the Land ride, too.

That'd boost Epcot attendance a whole bunch.

Oh, you know what else?

Soarin' sucks monkey nads.

Nice try, Disney, trying to trick me that that's an attraction. Imagineer: "He guys! I have a great idea! Let's just show the suckers a movie. We'll elevate them up on a swingset and then show them one of those really boring 360 degree movies like we have in the Norway pavilion and tell that they're experiencing the sensation of flight!"

Still to come, the Trolls eat lunch at the Lodge and go bowling.
 

[Big Kahuna aka John 71]

Sometimes we forget important things...    Like, TCD's hat is from his very brief Frank Sinatra period.   :rofl3:     He's originally from Jersey...   Word on the street is that Guido and Vinnie are gassing up the Cadillac and talking about heading south for a trip.  :rofl2:

[Silver Mist 2]

So, according to this photo it's actually $3 for 0 ozs of soda? What a deal!

Hmm! What shall I do! Buy one drink for $3.00 or bring a carton from Walmart!LOL!  I guess they have 0 ozs so they can sell either the large or small for the sme price! LOL! Just depending on what they have to sell that day! LOL!

[DaveInTN 3,247]

I have yet to get to Raglan Road. 

 

I know.  Sad, isn't it?

[h2odivers...Ray 952]

Finally caught up. A few comments.

I was ROTFLMBO when you heard the door click in the CR stairwell. My wife would have made walk down and take the elevator back up to unlock the door for her.

I love TDD, and his hat, and Ultra is a girlie beer.

Should 8 yr olds have cell phones?

$126 a glass or $800 for a bottle. While working on my masters 20+ years ago I was the bar manager at an upscale restaraunt and we had a bottle of wine, Opus One, that we sold for $125. The "rich" people didn't buy it was the schmucks who were trying to impress their date. As for the blind taste test. Me, and my GM and our girlfriends tried the Opus One, and a $20 something bottle of good wine. And 3 out of 4 preferred the $20 something wine. No we didn't buy or steal the opus one. Some schmuck face bought it and he drank one or two glasses and his date didn't like wine.

Ohana! I eat it all and I'm miserable afterwards but I get my money's worth.

Sorry the movie sucked and the annoying river dancers interrupted your date. But at least you had a good beer in your hand

[thecplusplusguy 7]

If they didn't say that would be wicked awesome duuude, then they aren't really from Massachusetts.

 

 

I Pahk the Cah, not pock the cah.  Who pock's a cah anyway?!

 

Dan from near Worcester pronounced Wistah!

[alexwyattmommy 181]

3 minutes of fake River Dance for the price of a beer?  That is pretty good.  We've not made it there either, but it is on my list.

[Tri-Circle-D 2,059]

Sorry about the rainy day.

 

I've often thought that I would visit that theater some time if we had a really rainy day at the Fort.

 

So far, we haven't been.  But one of these days . . .

 

I still have never been to Raglan Road either.

 

I guess I'll go there after the theater.

 

I would prefer not to have the rainy day, though.

 

But good job on making the best of it.

 

TCD

[GaDawgFan.....Kelly 799]

Did you have to pay to use the gym at the lodge? I know there was some confusion over whether Fort guests get to go free or not, but I don't remember the answer. 

[Tri-Circle-D 2,059]

Did you have to pay to use the gym at the lodge? I know there was some confusion over whether Fort guests get to go free or not, but I don't remember the answer. 

 

Good question!  I meant to ask it as well.

 

And I have another question, Norm/Troll-

 

How was it arriving at 'Ohana so late?  Those 9:40 reservations are usually the only ones left when I look.  I have always passed, since the place closes at 10.  I had this vision of being rushed through my meal.  Did you feel rushed at all?  It sounds like you got all the food you wanted with no problem.

 

TCD

[The Troll 67]

Sometimes we forget important things...    Like, TCD's hat is from his very brief Frank Sinatra period.   :rofl3:     He's originally from Jersey...   Word on the street is that Guido and Vinnie are gassing up the Cadillac and talking about heading south for a trip.  :rofl2:

 

Let's all be thankful that it was a very brief period.

 

Hmm! What shall I do! Buy one drink for $3.00 or bring a carton from Walmart!LOL!  I guess they have 0 ozs so they can sell either the large or small for the sme price! LOL! Just depending on what they have to sell that day! LOL!

 

Exactly. Bring your own drinks. You can get 12 for the price of one!

 

I have yet to get to Raglan Road. 

 

I know.  Sad, isn't it?

 

Well, it's just a bar. There are tons of big box "Irish" bars just like it all over America.

 

Finally caught up. A few comments.

I was ROTFLMBO when you heard the door click in the CR stairwell. My wife would have made walk down and take the elevator back up to unlock the door for her.

I love TDD, and his hat, and Ultra is a girlie beer.

Should 8 yr olds have cell phones?

$126 a glass or $800 for a bottle. While working on my masters 20+ years ago I was the bar manager at an upscale restaraunt and we had a bottle of wine, Opus One, that we sold for $125. The "rich" people didn't buy it was the schmucks who were trying to impress their date. As for the blind taste test. Me, and my GM and our girlfriends tried the Opus One, and a $20 something bottle of good wine. And 3 out of 4 preferred the $20 something wine. No we didn't buy or steal the opus one. Some schmuck face bought it and he drank one or two glasses and his date didn't like wine.

Ohana! I eat it all and I'm miserable afterwards but I get my money's worth.

Sorry the movie sucked and the annoying river dancers interrupted your date. But at least you had a good beer in your hand

 

No, 8 year olds shouldn't have cell phones. Not in Troll World, anyway. And I agree -- good beer makes bad things better!

 

If they didn't say that would be wicked awesome duuude, then they aren't really from Massachusetts.

 

 

I Pahk the Cah, not pock the cah.  Who pock's a cah anyway?!

 

Dan from near Worcester pronounced Wistah!

 

Mrs. Troll and I are Miami Dolphins fans. A few years back, we went to a game in Miami when the Fins were playing the Patriots. A bunch of obnoxious Bostonians invaded the Miami stadium and annoyingly got really drunk and cheered for the wrong team. Of course the Patriots won. It was a terrible thing to endure. It was an interesting dynamic, though, watching us highly intelligent, highly sophisticated Miamians have to endure the troglodytic Bostonians talk smack at us.

 

3 minutes of fake River Dance for the price of a beer?  That is pretty good.  We've not made it there either, but it is on my list.

 

I would have preferred zero minutes.

 

Sorry about the rainy day.

 

I've often thought that I would visit that theater some time if we had a really rainy day at the Fort.

 

So far, we haven't been.  But one of these days . . .

 

I still have never been to Raglan Road either.

 

I guess I'll go there after the theater.

 

I would prefer not to have the rainy day, though.

 

But good job on making the best of it.

 

TCD

 

The theater is really, really nice.

 

They have one of those newfangled Coke machines where you can select what flavor you want, like Orange Coke. And they have a "deal" where if you buy a large popcorn, you get free refills. The seating is stadium style and the screen is enormous. Overall, very cool. We saw "Wreck it Ralph" there last trip.

 

Did you have to pay to use the gym at the lodge? I know there was some confusion over whether Fort guests get to go free or not, but I don't remember the answer. 

 

No. It's free to all resort guests, cheap campers included.

 

Good question!  I meant to ask it as well.

 

And I have another question, Norm/Troll-

 

How was it arriving at 'Ohana so late?  Those 9:40 reservations are usually the only ones left when I look.  I have always passed, since the place closes at 10.  I had this vision of being rushed through my meal.  Did you feel rushed at all?  It sounds like you got all the food you wanted with no problem.

 

TCD

 

It used to be at Sturdy Branches that you had to hand over your room key and they'd hold it while you worked out. Now you just show it and they say you're good. For folks tired of showering at the comfort stations, there's a really nice locker room in the back with a clean shower with a detachable shower head. I probably shouldn't reveal these secrets.

 

The 9:40 reservation was excellent. No rush. Well, no more than usual, anyway. And the guy doing the sing along for the kids is still performing that late. Overall it's a great experience. The only downside is you have to save your appetite until almost 10PM at night! I love 'Ohana's.

[The Troll 67]

All right, Fort Fanatics, it's time for another troll installment!

 

We we last left off, I mentioned the rainy night at the Fort and the pleasure of walking dogs in it. Since it was raining hard, we decided to spend the rest of the night at camp. We ate salad and Mrs. Troll made healthy wraps for dinner.

 

The next day we got up and decided the plan was to ride the boat over to the Wilderness Lodge after my workout for lunch at the Roaring Forks food court thing. We had never eaten there before.

 

Before we left, though, we gave the pups some chew bones to keep them occupied:

 

 

Of course, it didn't keep Zoe occupied for very long. She wolfed it down in about two minutes:

 

 

My dog's a hog.

 

 

We then made our way over to the boat and I occupied myself by taking pictures of things most people ignore:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Finally the boat arrived:

 

 

 

Soon enough, we were at the Lodge:

 

 

You know, you have to wonder about how many millions of people visit Disney on a week vacation and never even see places like this. You know? I mean, if you're coming to Florida and your plan is to go to Disney and you've never been before and you only have a week, your plans probably aren't going to include the Wilderness Lodge lobby or the Outer Rim lounge. You're probably going to do MK, Epcot, AK, MGM, Universal, and Sea World.

 

Somehow Universal and Sea World will be included in a "Disney" vacation.

 

So in other words, you'll spend your entire day in a park, stand in long lines because you don't really understand how to game the Fast Pass system, waste valuable vacation time in horrible attractions like "It's a Small World," "Captain Eo," "Stitch's Great Escape," "The Pangani Forest Exploration Trail," (whatever the eff that is), and "The Swiss Family Robinson Tree."

 

Just what, exactly, is the point of that stupid tree, anyway? It's like, you walk all the way up this fake tree and then see exotic stuff like, you know, a bed. And then you say to yourself, "Hey, look! A bed! I bet that's where they sleep."

 

And then what the hell is that family's name? Are they the Swiss Family, like, you know, the Jones Family or the Thompson Family? Or is their name "Robinson"? And if it's "Robinson," why do they put "Swiss" in front of it? Were they from Switzerland? Please don't answer these questions, as I don't care.

 

Bottom line -- the tree sucks.

 

Anyway, back to our family of suckers vacationing at Disney for a week for the first time. They're probably staying at the cheap joint, like the Pop Century. Or worse -- they're staying at the Comfort Inn in Orlando. Anyway, imagine you're the dad of this family. You've never been to Disney before. You have a baby strapped to your chest and your wife is making you push a double wide stroller.

 

Like this dork:

 

 

And here is his chosen footwear:

 

 

If this is you, Man Card.

 

Now!

 

You should be ashamed of yourself.

 

You desperately need a huge dose of poker in a basement with one of those paintings of those dogs playing poker hanging on the wall. You desperately need 24 straight hours of football on New Years Day. You desperately need a keg full of beer that does not have the words "lite" or "ultra" in its name. You desperately need a huge plate of greasy potato skins doused in sour cream and chives. You desperately need a set of hedge clippers to go out and shape a bush into a square or a sphere.

 

Anyway, can you imagine this dude pushing that monster stroller full of Disney shopping bags and that baby swinging to and fro from that chest harness trying to go up that stupid Swiss Robinson Family tree to see...a bed? Damn, that's when you know you failed at life.

 

How do you not return to wherever you came from -- say, Winnipeg -- thinking, "Damn! Florida sucks!!"?!?

 

Anyway, what were we talking about? Oh, yeah! The Lodge.

 

Here are a few more shots of that place that dork never got to see:

 

 

 

 

OK, that's all for now.

 

Up next, Mrs. Troll and I explore the Lodge and try to sneak into the bar reserved for soap ball buyers.

[DaveInTN 3,247]

How did you like Roaring Forks?  Or is that coming up? 

 

Now I feel bad for the DFW....Dork From Winnepeg. 

 

True story:  I sold my motorhome to a guy from Winnepeg.  I won't call him a dork.  He could be reading.  Oh, who am I kidding?  He's not reading.  What a dork!

[Tri-Circle-D 2,059]

I enjoyed your stream of consciousness ramblings about how few visitors to WDW visit the Wilderness Lodge.

 

The thing that's awesome about WL is that it's just a bike, boat or bus ride away from the Fort.

 

The TCD gang visits there every time we are at the Fort, and we seem to end up there even when we are just at WDW for a day trip.  It's the second best resort at WDW.  Yet, there are people who call themselves Fiends who have never been there.   Can you believe that?  To me, it is one of the amenities that comes with the Fort.

 

You took some great photos there.

 

I am looking forward to hearing about this bar you tried to sneak in to.  I am not familiar with such a bar at WL.  I hope, for Leslie's sake, that you didn't get locked out another building.

 

TCD

[CCIntrigue...aka Gwen 547]

Count me among the Fiends who have never been there.  But I plan to rectify that next trip.

[Tri-Circle-D 2,059]

Count me among the Fiends who have never been there.  But I plan to rectify that next trip.

 

Yup,  I remember when you disclosed that.

 

I still can't believe it.

 

Please do rectify it pronto.

 

TCD

[Grumpy and Grandma 739]

 

Soon enough, we were at the Lodge:

 

 

You know, you have to wonder about how many millions of people visit Disney on a week vacation and never even see places like this. 

 

The is our 2nd favorite place.  We visit once or twice a week while at the FORT, grab a coffee or coke and sit in the lobby and people watch. We do, on rare occasion, go to eat, but we normally eat it the MH. It is also our resort of choice when we "hotel it". We always ask for the same room then we can sit on the balcony and watch the fireworks from MK.

[alexwyattmommy 181]

Our only hotel experiences on property were at the Lodge.  It is a really pretty place to visit, but I am happier staying in the trailer now.  

Planning on eating there too this trip.

[DaveInTN 3,247]

Our only hotel experiences on property were at the Lodge.  It is a really pretty place to visit, but I am happier staying in the trailer now.  

Planning on eating there too this trip.

 

Same here.  We stayed at the lodge before we started RVing with our kids.  I had stayed at the Fort in the 70's as a kid, but then didn't return with my family until 2007.