The Trolls Return to the Fort

[GaDawgFan.....Kelly 799]

Running does kind of suck. But it's a convenient form of exercise. You can pretty much do it anywhere. You know what else sucks? Working out while on vacation.... hmmmm.... you don't know anyone that does that, do you?

[Helmsey......Todd 134]

I see a lot of those "salt life" stickers around here....in east Tennessee. I'm not 100% sure but I'm betting it has something to do with the ocean. I am however 100% sure there are not many of those (oceans) in east Tennessee. Generally if the person has a salt life sticker on their vehicle, it is real close to some other trendy sticker that have applied to their vehicle.

[The Troll 67]

You know where the Trolls are?

 

You know where.

 

Yes, the Fort.

 

Like, right now.

 

Now...this trip report already has over 9,000 views. But you see, there's this other trip reporter here on this site who dominates in the view category. And it's not fair. I would like nothing better than once, ONCE, overtake that guy in the views category. I'm tired of playing second/third fiddle.

 

So you know what I'm going to do?

 

Cheat!

 

Yep! I'm going to jumpstart a trip report by over 9,000 views by adding a brand new Troll Trip Report to an existing one! Isn't that brilliant?!

 

Now you might be thinking: "How petty! Who cares how many views a discussion board thread has?"

Answer: Me.

 

If my plan pans out, I'll have over 18,000 views and that will put me firmly in the top ten threads on this board.

 

So let's get started!

 

We're at the Fort for two weeks! You see, we will not come here in any month without an R in it, lest we boil in the Florida humidity, so we have to maximize the good months while we can. We were here in September. And now we're back!

 

We wasted no time when we arrived here.

 

We decided to take a different approach this trip. Ordinarily we leave the Animal Kingdom thing for much later in the trip. This time we decided to give it top billing. We decided to hit it first.

 

You see, the Troll is no fan of Animal Kingdom. To the Troll, it's pretty much Discovery Island with a Yeti rollercoaster. And the animatronic Yeti doesn't even work. So you know what that means?

 

It means Animal Kingdom sucks.

 

I've said that often here on Fort Fiends. But over the years that Animal Kingdom has been open, I've been left with this nagging sensation that maybe, just maybe, I haven't been giving Animal Kingdom a fair shake. Maybe I've been too hard on it. Maybe my view of it was tainted from very early visits. Maybe if we hit it early, while we're fresh, I'll see it through a fresh set of eyes.

 

False.

 

AK still sucks.

 

And the friggin' Yeti still doesn't work.

 

But I have some photos to share of the suckiness. Let's take a look.

 

Here we are, sitting on a bench, looking at nothing remarkable:

 

 

Now I've said that AK reminds me of Discovery Island with a Yeti rollercoaster, but truth be told, it does have a second worthwhile attraction. It's called, creatively enough, "Dinosaur!"

 

"Dinosaur!" is located in a land called, you guessed it, "Dinoland, USA."

When they were naming this land, I wonder how many other names they went through before arriving at this one?

 

Two?

 

Anyway, it's really, really easy to lose your way in this park, because they decided for some inexplicable reason to block the view of all the attractions with trees. They cut down trees left and right in the Fort just if the tree drops too many leaves. In AK, however, they stuff trees in tighter than my belt after I've had dinner at 'Ohana's.

 

So you need to follow the signs:

 

 

Mrs. Troll pointed out this building as we sat on the bench, preparing to make our way to "Dinosaur!":



Notice how it's shiny. Seriously...it's shiny. Like they painted it with glossy paint or made it out of plastic. That's the thing about this park -- everything looks obviously fake. Mainstreet USA, on the other hand, is the gold standard of theme park realism. This place?

 

Doesn't come close.

 

Truth be told, I do like Dinoland USA. It's the only part of the park I actually like. It's colorful, themed, upbeat, happy...but every other place looks primitive, rundown, uncivilized.

 

Here we are, approaching Dinoland:

 

 

See those bright pastels? Enjoy them while they last. Once you leave this land, you get one color: Brown.

 

You know what else I've noticed about AK?

 

They have a butt-load of places to eat:

 

 

 

They have more places to eat than, you know, rides.

 

I mean, how much food can you eat in one day?

 

It's like, you get out the AK map to plan out your visit, and you're like, "Restaurant, restaurant, restaurant, food cart, snack shack, restaurant, bird show, restaurant, hot walk through swamp, ice cream shack...restaurant..."

 

I do like a lot of the theming of this area, though:

 

 

I wonder if they lifted that water tower from the old FWRR?

 

Notice there are arrows sticking in it.

 

Where did the arrows come from?

 

And this sort of looks like a hobbit house:

 

 

Someone should tell Disney that this dino is dead and fake:

 

 

Ah, there we go, a real dino:

 

 

So we rode the "Dinosaur!" ride. It seemed "off" to me. Like the lights that are supposed to, like, you know, light up the dinosaurs as your "time vehicle" rides past them, weren't working. And one dino, I'm pretty sure, was broken. I think he's supposed to lunge out of the brush at you, but he just sat in the brush, dark and unanimated.

 

Dino junk shop:

 

 

I like this dino:

 

 

 

 

So...dinosaur ride -- check!

 

We now head to the second of the only two rides worthy of experiencing in this park, the Yeti.

[Grumpy and Grandma 739]

Keep the rants coming and hope you stop to say "HI"..

[GaDawgFan.....Kelly 799]

Expedition Everest is the best roller coaster at Disney, even with the broken Yeti. But you make a good point about the food.

Hope we can have a drink in a few days!

[devores 382]

Hmmm. I'm calling foul.

The tr you are tagging onto seems incomplete. The ending was left hanging and unfulfilling. You took a month and a half to write it and left the readers hanging begging for you to continue.

If you want to hang with the big dog you need to follow his lead. The tr should be completed within a reasonable amount of time after the trip. We shouldn't be reading about food and wine in January. There should be at least one update everyday and no more than 3 days should pass between updates. Fiends are easily distracted..........

Where was I?

Oh yeh, squirrel.

And you need some suspense to keep them comming back.

Adding on tr info from other trips is acceptable as bonus material.

[Tri-Circle-D 2,059]

Hmmm. I'm calling foul.

The tr you are tagging onto seems incomplete. The ending was left hanging and unfulfilling. You took a month and a half to write it and left the readers hanging begging for you to continue.

If you want to hang with the big dog you need to follow his lead. The tr should be completed within a reasonable amount of time after the trip. We shouldn't be reading about food and wine in January. There should be at least one update everyday and no more than 3 days should pass between updates. Fiends are easily distracted..........

Where was I?

Oh yeh, squirrel.

And you need some suspense to keep them comming back.

Adding on tr info from other trips is acceptable as bonus material.

 

Dave- let me know where you want me to send you the check.

 

Just kidding.

 

I don't call foul.

 

Let the Troll do his thing. If that's what it takes for him to get a top ten TR, then more power to the Troll.  I hope he gets 20,000+ views!

 

It would be boring if everyone's trip report was the same.  A restaurant would never stay in business if all it served was one thing.  How many flavors do they have at Baskin Robbins?

 

But I do agree with one thing- I want to know how the September trip ended.

 

Troll- did you ever make it to the roof of the Contemporary?

 

TCD

[alexwyattmommy 181]

Ooo that could be really fun.  Mixing the ending of the first report in between posts of the current report.  I'm all for it.

[Thrill Shakespeare (Andy) 58]

I'll take a shot at #4. I could probably just google it, but I'll work from memory.

The Olympics are descended from Greece. 26.2 miles is the distance between 2 places that a Greek messenger ran to announce that the Persians had been defeated in war. I think the legend also said the messenger died after the announcement. Which plays nicely into the guys "running sucks" shirt. :)

I've probably misstated a lot of facts, but it's only legend anyway.

 

As a marathoner, complete with 26.2 stickers (Sorry about that, Troll.  And yes, I really can run the entire thing.  And have. Many times.  Rant on anyway, I like it) I'll finish this discussion up with more absurdity. 

 

Caveat Lector is largely correct - the marathon distance is based on the distance between Marathon and Athens that a messenger (said to be Phidippides) ran to report results of a battle.  And, according to some legends, he promptly fell over and died.  Which happens to be what I generally feel like doing after a marathon.

 

But here's the real laugh: the distance he ran is actually shorter than 26.2 miles.  The marathon was extended to this distance during one of the early modern Olympiads when the King of England decided he wanted the race to end in front of him.  The extra distance was added to satisfy his whim.

 

Marathoners curse the king a lot during the final stages of a marathon.  Also ourselves for paying to do the thing in the first place.

 

And yet I still like the silly things.  Sigh.

 

Okay, I now return you to your regularly scheduled Troll.

[The Troll 67]

Keep the rants coming and hope you stop to say "HI"..

 

We looped by your site just yesterday. You guys weren't around, though.

 

Expedition Everest is the best roller coaster at Disney, even with the broken Yeti. But you make a good point about the food.

Hope we can have a drink in a few days!

 

I like drinks.

 

Hmmm. I'm calling foul.

The tr you are tagging onto seems incomplete. The ending was left hanging and unfulfilling. You took a month and a half to write it and left the readers hanging begging for you to continue.

If you want to hang with the big dog you need to follow his lead. The tr should be completed within a reasonable amount of time after the trip. We shouldn't be reading about food and wine in January. There should be at least one update everyday and no more than 3 days should pass between updates. Fiends are easily distracted..........

Where was I?

Oh yeh, squirrel.

And you need some suspense to keep them comming back.

Adding on tr info from other trips is acceptable as bonus material.

 

You can cry foul all you want. But we all know what camp you belong to!

 

Consider this bonus material, if that makes things better. All I know is I'm going to take the record for most views...except for that one thread that people kept adding junk to. That one doesn't count.

 

Dave- let me know where you want me to send you the check.

 

Just kidding.

 

I don't call foul.

 

Let the Troll do his thing. If that's what it takes for him to get a top ten TR, then more power to the Troll.  I hope he gets 20,000+ views!

 

It would be boring if everyone's trip report was the same.  A restaurant would never stay in business if all it served was one thing.  How many flavors do they have at Baskin Robbins?

 

But I do agree with one thing- I want to know how the September trip ended.

 

Troll- did you ever make it to the roof of the Contemporary?

 

TCD

 

Indeed. Too many reporters copy "The Master." I've even seen a few reporters rip off His Highness's jokes! Seriously! Word for word!

 

We have not yet made it to the top of the Contemporary. But it's on the list for this trip. There's a Bloody Mary up there, calling my name!

 

Ooo that could be really fun.  Mixing the ending of the first report in between posts of the current report.  I'm all for it.

 

You have me figured out.

 

As a marathoner, complete with 26.2 stickers (Sorry about that, Troll.  And yes, I really can run the entire thing.  And have. Many times.  Rant on anyway, I like it) I'll finish this discussion up with more absurdity. 

 

Caveat Lector is largely correct - the marathon distance is based on the distance between Marathon and Athens that a messenger (said to be Phidippides) ran to report results of a battle.  And, according to some legends, he promptly fell over and died.  Which happens to be what I generally feel like doing after a marathon.

 

But here's the real laugh: the distance he ran is actually shorter than 26.2 miles.  The marathon was extended to this distance during one of the early modern Olympiads when the King of England decided he wanted the race to end in front of him.  The extra distance was added to satisfy his whim.

 

Marathoners curse the king a lot during the final stages of a marathon.  Also ourselves for paying to do the thing in the first place.

 

And yet I still like the silly things.  Sigh.

 

Okay, I now return you to your regularly scheduled Troll.

 

I did not know that about the marathon. That's fascinating. If I were the King of England, I'd do the same thing.

[The Troll 67]

Let's continue on on this Magic Journey!

 

Anybody remember that movie? It was really, really cool for 3D, but kind of creepy.

 

The ring floating out in space and the kids trying to grab it was the best part. Then they replaced it with an even creepier and lower quality 3D film, "Captain Eo."

 

Anyway, so Mrs. Troll and I are going to visit the Yeti.

 

There was some debate about the Yeti ride at work before I left for this trip. A coworker insisted that the coaster goes backwards twice. I insisted it goes backwards only once.

 

Who's right?

 

We shall soon find out.

 

Of course it doesn't take a Stephen Hawking to figure out that I probably wouldn't have mentioned that little debate had I not been the victor.

 

Hey, did you read that Stephen Hawking reversed his course on black hole theory? He used to emphatically state that anything that entered a black hole -- including light -- could never escape. Now he says stuff could escape. That's important, useful information.

 

Oh, and while we're on the topic of useless scientific types, did you hear that the Professor from Gilligan's Island died? You talk about useless. The guy could figure out a way to recharge those old non-alkaline batteries in their radio and managed to build a car for Gilligan to chauffeur Mr. and Mrs. Howell around the island in, but he couldn't repair the boat or build a raft?

 

Let's get to the pictures!

 

Fake mountain:

 

 

This sign says, "Visitors, please do not pick tea":

 

Don't worry -- I won't. I'm an American.

 

Check out these two dudes with the rolled up sleeves:

 

 

Many people seemingly object to sleeves. Evidently they get in the way or something.

 

Surely those two aren't showing off their Arnold 22" pythons, are they?

 

So now what I did was set the shutter on my camera to 1/1600, which is pretty doggone fast. The idea was to be able to snap pictures as we rode the coaster and the pictures come out sharp.

 

That worked pretty well. The pictures are sharp, but they still largely suck. Let's have a look:

 

 

This one's not too bad. Notice the gushing waterfall:

 

 

 

See this hand photo-bombing my shot:

 

It belongs to one of the rolled-up-sleeves wonders we met moments earlier.

 

Don't believe me? Here he is:

 

 

Notice sleeve rolled up.

 

And here we are at the ripped up track spot:

 

 

Why does the Yeti not like trains, anyway? What's his deal? Bigfoot doesn't rip up train tracks.

 

Kinda hard to tell, but we're going backwards now:

 

 

Here we look like we're worshipping the Yeti god:

 

 

Evidently the ancient Himalayan people did worship Yetis.

 

Odd.

 

Speaking of Yetis, the one in this ride is still, surprise!, broken. Evidently the jackass manager who approved the NASCAR racetrack right next to the Fort also concluded that a good way to "fix" the Yeti without, you know, spending any money was to have strobe lights flash on it. This, allegedly, creates the illusion that it's moving.

 

Um...no. In fact, unless you're really paying attention, you pass right under the broken Yeti and don't even notice it.

 

Fail.

 

Hey, Disney people! How about taking some of all that money you're raking in on that race car and use it to fix the Yeti?

 

And refill the Mezzo Mix dispenser, while you're at it.

 

Anyway, we're off the Yeti ride now, and Mrs. Troll decided to photo-bomb my photo:

 

 

Ahhhhh...the most delightful sight at AK:

 

 

Let's get the hell out of here.

 

Yetis broken, dinos broken...oh, and in the Africa part of the park, there was an extremely loud and annoying reggae band. Yes, reggae. No need to point out to me that reggae music isn't African, it's Jamaican. Tell that to the idiots who run this park.

 

Anyway, so we hopped aboard the tram, rode it to the parked Troll mobile, and got the heck out of Dodge. Goodbye, Animal Kingdom! Good to see you are still ripping people off as well today as you did when you first opened! Good to see that you completely fail to measure up to any proper standard set by Walt Disney, the guy who thought this whole place up!

 

On our way back to the Fort, we had to pay a quick visit to the "Front Desk" area. Whatever that building is called. We have these "Magic Band" things, and so far they're not very magical.

 

I forgot to mention that inside the AK, Mrs. Troll and I decided to purchase two cups of coffee. The plan was to pay for said coffee with the "Magic Band." Well, guess what? It didn't work. The "Magic Band" insisted we had to punch in a PIN to authorize the purchase, but when we checked in, the lady who checked us in didn't have us set a PIN. So be mindful of this when checking in, folks -- make sure they hand you a thing to establish a PIN on your "Magic Band." Otherwise you'll find yourself digging through your backpack, trying to scrounge up enough cash to pay for your coffee.

 

So the friendly cast member at the check in front desk place set us up with a PIN. So now I can use my "Magic Band" to burn through all my Capital One credit line!

 

Some folks don't know this, but there's a porch attached to the front desk check in place. And it has rocking chairs on it. And it's set amongst a very bountiful butterfly garden. So Mrs. Troll and I decided to take said rocking chairs on a test drive:

 

 

Where will this trip report take you to next?

 

Check back and find out!

[Tri-Circle-D 2,059]

Glad you got the AK out of the way.  I kind of like AK.  On a regular day, it's easier to do things there than it is at Epcot.

 

TCD

[The Troll 67]

Glad you got the AK out of the way. 

TCD

 

Me, too.

[The Troll 67]

It's time to continue on in our journey.

 

Previously in this report, I mentioned my fascination with the old Odyssey building/restaurant thing in Epcot.

 

Well, I did some Googling on the matter and turned up an interview with a former Odyssey employee:

http://www.lostepcot.com/odysseyinterview.html

 

Isn't the Internet great? If you want to see something or know something, it's out there...somewhere.

 

Anyway, according to this former employee of the Odyssey, it sounds pretty much like the Odyssey sucked. So it's no wonder it went broke. Evidently they pretty much just sold the crappy, standard hohum Disney burgers and fries. How very original. And here's a little insider info for you: Disney burgers aren't all that great.

 

Disney does many, many things well, but burgers aren't one of them.

 

And evidently they played crappy elevator-esque music like "Here Comes the Sun" and "Just Once." Those two songs sum it all up for me. I get the vibe of the place immediately in my mind's eye.

 

Awful.

 

Other not-so-interesting factoids: The place had a stage that rose out of the floor and a dance floor.

 

Let's do some looping.

 

The following photos are fresh. Like yesterday fresh. I just developed them.

 

Here we are in the 600 loop:

 

 

The 600 loop is bipolar. The entrance of the loop is bare, almost completely devoid of any trees. But then later in the loop there are lots of tall, old trees.

 

See:

 

 

I like these old faux tree stumps:

 

 

Clearly the stumps also served as site markers at one point in time, as notice the spot for a site number placard. I suppose the stumps were set too far back from the road to be effective site markers, however.

 

Check this out:

 

 

Mr. Vance is getting some free publicity here in an official Troll Trip Report.

 

But if the Troll is the one giving the publicity, you know it ain't going to be good.

 

Notice that Mr. Vance is a roofer.

 

Pretty good idea to get your truck wrapped and then park it parallel to the road like that so that anyone with, say, a mid-sized travel trailer has a really hard time getting by.

 

And now let's discuss the elephant in the room...

GOD.

 

Very interesting choice of words. It doesn't say, "God Saves!" or even, "God #1." It just says, "GOD." Hmmm. I wonder what Mr. Vance's motivation for putting this on his truck was? Let's explore:

1. Use his truck as a method to spread the good news of the Gospel.

2. Warn Satan worshippers to stay away from his truck.

3. Fool suckers into doing business with him because, you see, anyone who sticks three letters on his truck has to be an upright, honest businessman!

 

I'm leaning toward #3.

 

If you'd like to get the official answer, feel free to call Mr. Vance.

 

His number is right there on his truck.

 

Folks at the Fort tend to proudly fly the American flag, and I like that:

 

 

I don't see this type of fire hydrant anywhere else in the world but here at the World:

 

 

And then this guy really, really likes pigs:

 

 

Notice the mini pig lights. There were pigs all over this guy's site.

 

So Mrs. Troll and I speculated. Is the guy a pig farmer? A BBQ joint owner? A bacon manufacturer? Or maybe he owns a pig refuge for homeless pigs?

 

No one was waiting on the bus:

 

 

And isn't this a happy sight:

 

 

There's much happiness being generated just past that sign and down that path.

 

This tree looks like one of those evil apple trees from the Wizard of Oz:

 

Time for more free Troll negative publicity:

 

 

I'm such a sucker for stuff like this. Whenever someone goes out of his way to stick an advertisement for his website on his vehicle or trailer, I always feel compelled to check it out, for some reason.

 

In this case I thought, "Hmm...MyPowerClock.com. That's interesting. What could it be? It has to be some really cool fitness clock or something. Something you'd see on 'Shark Tank' or on the Kickstarter website. It must be some very clever bit of engineering. A new, better mousetrap!"

 

One word.

 

False.

 

It's just an egg timer.

 

A digital egg timer.

 

Like the one that every cell phone since 2001 comes with built in.

 

I'm not making this up. These guys are selling digital egg timers. And they're travelling all over the country in an Airstream, hawking them. And I'm not exaggerating, either -- it's a digital egg timer thing. Go check it out for yourself if you don't believe me.

 

I wonder who came up with this term:

 

 

Back in the late 60s, when I was in my baby troll pen, a bunch of prim executives wearing pants too high on their waist had a discussion over what they should call "bathrooms."

 

Bathrooms?

Goodness, no! That's so unseemly!

 

Restroom?

 

No. Not themed enough.

 

Bathhouse?

 

No. No we don't have bath tubs.

 

Outhouse?

 

No. Nicely themed, but we have running water and plumbing.

 

Hmmm...

 

So if you're confused about the "pants too high on waist" thing, behold:

 

 

Notice dude on right.

 

Also notice the yellow things the dudes are walking on.

 

Anyway, evidently wearing your pants too high on your waist was a thing back then.

 

Fred suffered from it:

 

 

More looping scenery:

 

 

Two words: Overflow parking:

 

 

Camping has sure changed. When I came here as a boy, the place was "dominated" by tents, popup campers, and folding aluminum lawn chairs. Now it's dominated by work trailers, honking behemoth Aerosmith touring buses, semi trucks, flatbed trucks, and diesel powered "golf carts."

 

And tacky blowup decorations from Kmart. And everyone has the same blowup. How many times do I want to see Santa sticking his head out of the outhouse?

 

This is cool. Check it out. These are two separate trees. One's an oak and the other's a pine:

 

 

Posts:

 

This photo is nice, I think:

 

 

Epcot bound?

 

 

See this stuff on the left:

 

 

It's lots of undeveloped wetland. The train used to run through there. So there WAS some development back there.

 

All gone now.

 

Although, as I understand it, tracks still remain. If you look at certain Google Maps images, you can actually still see the tracks.

 

Or if you're crazy enough to crash through all that chigger-infested overgrowth, you can tour the tracks in person.

 

But then who would do that?

 

Still so much to come!

 

This trip report is as fresh as it gets! Photos appearing here are less than 24 hours old!

 

The only way you could possibly get a fresher view of the Fort is to be here!

 

So check back early and often!

[Tri-Circle-D 2,059]

That was an excellent update, Troll.

 

You post one of those a day, and you'll have the #1 viewed TR easy.

 

Funny stuff there with the high pants!

 

Isn't it amazing what a nice day it was yesterday at the Fort.  It was over 80, wasn't it?

 

Meanwhile, most of the folks reading along were freezing their tuckuses off.

 

TCD

[dblr....Rennie 224]

Great pictures plus the narration is pretty good also. Did you get your photos developed at a Foto Mat? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_m163bokaQk

[alexwyattmommy 181]

I love the pants too high thing.  I would feel awfully constricted if that was the style now.

Great update.

[caveat lector 181]

The guys with the sleeves rolled up should be wearing long sleeves.....pipe cleaners.

Major points to the Troll for integrating Fred Mertz into a TR. Major bonus if you can somehow work Ethyl Mertz into the next installment.

[Tri-Circle-D 2,059]

 

 

So if you're confused about the "pants too high on waist" thing, behold:

 

 

Notice dude on right.

 

Also notice the yellow things the dudes are walking on.

 

 

 

 

Do you know who the dude on the right is?

 

His name is Richard Irvine.

 

The Richard Irvine.

 

The dude that boat that goes around Tom Sawyer island was originally named after.  It's called the Liberty Belle now. But from 1973 to 1996 it was called the Richard F. Irvine.  Now, one of the ferry boats that ferries guests between the TTC and MK is called the Richard F. Irvine.  Richard is what you call a BFD.

 

That big yellow x marks the spot in the just cleared 100 acres of swampland where Cinderella Castle would go.

 

That's a pretty cool photo.

 

TCD

[The Troll 67]

That was an excellent update, Troll.

 

You post one of those a day, and you'll have the #1 viewed TR easy.

 

Funny stuff there with the high pants!

 

Isn't it amazing what a nice day it was yesterday at the Fort.  It was over 80, wasn't it?

 

Meanwhile, most of the folks reading along were freezing their tuckuses off.

 

TCD

 

Thank you, sir.

 

Yes. Yesterday the Fort was around 70 degrees.

 

Today, however, it's dropped back down into the 40s.

 

Great pictures plus the narration is pretty good also. Did you get your photos developed at a Foto Mat? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_m163bokaQk

 

Pretty good? Pretty good? The color commentary is what makes a Troll Trip Report great.

 

I love the pants too high thing.  I would feel awfully constricted if that was the style now.

Great update.

 

Yeah. Also notice all their pants are high waters.

 

The guys with the sleeves rolled up should be wearing long sleeves.....pipe cleaners.

Major points to the Troll for integrating Fred Mertz into a TR. Major bonus if you can somehow work Ethyl Mertz into the next installment.

 

Isn't her name Ethel?

 

Do you know who the dude on the right is?

 

His name is Richard Irvine.

 

The Richard Irvine.

 

The dude that boat that goes around Tom Sawyer island was originally named after.  It's called the Liberty Belle now. But from 1973 to 1996 it was called the Richard F. Irvine.  Now, one of the ferry boats that ferries guests between the TTC and MK is called the Richard F. Irvine.  Richard is what you call a BFD.

 

That big yellow x marks the spot in the just cleared 100 acres of swampland where Cinderella Castle would go.

 

That's a pretty cool photo.

 

TCD

 

Let's look up Mr. Irvine:

Until his retirement in 1973, he headed design and planning for all Disneyland attractions including the Haunted Mansion and Pirates of the Caribbean. Irvine became executive vice president and chief operations officer at WDI in 1967.

 

Well I'll be darned. Right there in a random photo I pulled off the Internet!

 

Why did he wear his pants so high?

[The Troll 67]

Time for more Troll Goodness!

 

Time for more hot-off-the-presses photos!

 

Again, these are very young photos, folks! This is what the Fort looks like right now! You'll only get this here at the TTR!

 

 

Check out this tree:

 

 

Pretty cool, right?

 

And you know what that means?

 

Death sentence.

 

There will be some jackhole arriving here soon enough to cut that tree down, as it poses "a risk."

 

Look who it is!

 

LOOK

 

WHO

 

IT 

 

IS...

 

!

 

:

 

 

It's Baby Harness Guy^TM! 

 

Notice he is outfitted with a Baby Harness AND is pushing another brat in a stroller! And notice the women over there, talking!

 

Go to man jail. Go directly to man jail. Do not pass Go, do not sit on the leather couch or watch the 60" flat screen TV.

 

I mean, come on. Did the proud Cherokee warriors who fought for their homeland wear their babies hanging around their neck? How about the Vikings? How about the Mongols? How about the American Dough Boys?

 

In all cases -- NO. No baby hanging from neck.

 

Seriously. Imagine going on "The Pirates of the Caribbean" and seeing one of the fearsome pirates with a pirate baby dangling from his neck. Not so fearsome anymore, right? So...ladies, stop emasculating your men!

 

The Troll is back, baby!

 

Enough of this "Kinder, Gentler" Troll BS.

 

Old Troll is back!

 

Trees:

 

 

Hoops:

 

 

I had a thought while passing this basketball hoop. Mrs. Troll used to get angry at Junior Troll when the Troll Family would go out to a nice restaurant and Junior Troll would order something he could have at home.

 

Isn't this basketball hoop like that?

 

You're at the premier vacation destination in the WORLD and you're going to shoot hoops?

 

You can, you know, shoot hoops under an overpass in Miami.

 

Did you know there's a checkerboard in MK? Yeah. Pay $90 a person to get in a park and then play a crappy board game you can play on your phone for free...while stuck in traffic on I-75.

 

Fools.

 

Go visit my friend, B'rer Fox. He's worth $90 per person.

 

Checkers?

 

Not so much.

 

Welcome, Yankee Northern Pioneers:

 

 

Welcome to your first Troll Trip Report!

 

Get ready to have your asses handed to you.

 

OK. These people have been coming to the Fort for a grand total of FIVE big years!

 

Wow!

 

Of course, I was coming to the Fort when I was five YEARS OLD, so I'm not so impressed.

 

So judging by the looks of that wagon and that Mickey, you'd think there was something to this. Like, they have a purpose or a mission statement or something. Like those teepee people. They have a passion for teepees. So, accordingly, I expected these Northern "Pioneer" people to have a similar shared mission of sorts.

 

Well, they do.

 

Save money.

 

Yep.

 

They're just a bunch of snow bird yankees who coordinate their Disney vacation so they can get a discount rate at campsites.

 

That's all they have in common.

 

You can join their group, if you want to.

 

You don't even have to own a teepee.

 

More loopage scenery:

 

 

Now you might be thinking, "Troll! That picture above sucked! It's just a fence and some dude behind it walking some mutt!"

 

Yeah, well, you know what?

 

I'm at the Fort and you're not!

 

Ha ha!

 

Enjoy waist-deep snow, beyotch! And be sure to put TWO sugars in your boss's coffee, beyotch!

 

I don't know what this is. Just accept it:

 

 

If you're a longtime veteran of TTRs, you know that my father was a huge, HUGE fan of Wagon Wheel Way. That's the 1900 loop. Yes, it's true. Stop laughing.

 

Back then he used to say to me, "I really like it when they [Disney] put us way back there deep in those woods."

 

Yep.

 

You read that right. Way back when, Wagon Wheel Way was chock full of thick, thick woods. Thick as in, like, Everglades woods.

 

Not anymore.

 

Now it's the thinnest of all the loops.

 

Sad.

 

Four way:

 

 

OK, now back at camp. How do you like my coffee table:

 

 

Closer up:

 

 

Now check this out. See what the Troll got for Christmas this year:

 

 

 

Look closely:

 

 

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Ye..ye...ye...ye...ye..yeah!

 

This was a very special gift to me from Mrs. Troll!

 

She commissioned a local artist to make it for me!

 

And yes, you got it right -- B'rer Fox has finally caught B'rer Rabbit and is going to EAT him!

 

And B'rer Rabbit is so stupid, he doesn't realize it yet.

 

Isn't that beyond awesome?!

 

I think so.

 

Oh, hey, you know what word I hate?

 

Amazing.

 

As in, "He is such an amazing person."

 

Make that word go away.

[GaDawgFan.....Kelly 799]

The Troll IS back! Rant Troll! Rant!

[alexwyattmommy 181]

Amazing report so far Troll.

[dblr....Rennie 224]

Your so right Troll, the commentary here is the best, you pull no punches. I would apologize but that's a sign of weakness and I don't need to give you anything else to feed off you find plenty on your own. Now rant on as that's why we read along.

[Laura 17]

Umm Excuse me Mr. Ranter, Doth my eyes deceive me or is that a BACKPACK in the stroller not another kid. duh. AND My DH carried my son all through The World in the baby carrier (in man colors of course) and Lukas loved it. I think we need someone to make a huge Troll carrier and carry you around for a bit. You will be singing kumbya before you know it.